My Bully; J.Jk

Part 22: Emotional Pain

Warning: Probably one of the most emotionally chapters I've written so far. Keyword probably.

Don't have to read this just an author's note (I'll let you know when it the story):

Idk what came over me to write this chapter.  😀 Don't worry I'm okay I just don't know what came over me and I have to finish what I've started 😃👍 because I have no other idea what to write other than what I've already written. Anyways I don't want to make anyone cry or anything like that so enjoy. 😄 (So many emojis I know so surprising)

✨Story✨:

When we got there the rest of BTS were already there. So we just ordered and sat down to wait. We started talking and having a good time. The food got their and we finished our food. Then we left after talking for a bit and we all had a good time.

We started heading home and I tested for a bit and scrolled my phone. Then I looked at Vernon's newest post and saw that he was already going back. I thought maybe things will go back to normal like how he was when he was over there. Maybe he'll text me every two days again. I know it doesn't sound like much like 'Every two days! 'But we have pretty long conversations so it makes up for the day that he didn't text me. It's also better than being ignored completely.

As we headed home I started to think about all the fun times me and Vernon had. Would they all go to waste? What if I shut myself away from the world? What if I only focus on studying? What if I forget about all my relationships in this world that I have with other people? What if I just stay in my room? What if I just don't talk to anyone? What if I just hide myself? What if I become part of the shadows on the wall? What if...? Will anyone care? Will everything hurt less? If Vernon breaks up with me will I be immune to it? Am I good? Would my....... parents... care? Would my grandma be alright without me? Will everything be just fine? If I just off myself would it be okay? Would they care? Would they?! WOULD THEY?!!!

All these thoughts surrounded me. Everyday I feel like I hurts less and less. I know that this isn't the way to live but nobody has said anything. Some of my friends have but they haven't cared enough to really try to stop it.

These emotions sometime are too much but I deal with it. I hate emotional pain I prefer physical. At least then it will actually fix itself. But emotional pain doesn't just go away after a few weeks or days like physical pain. I don't do self harm I'm just saying that I prefer physical pain and either way Jin would never let me. So I just keep it all inside.

I have always tried to be strong but the flashbacks won't stop. They hit me fast. I sometimes just can't take it so I just try to calm down. I can't really calm myself down. It's like I'm talking to a friend who always uses sarcasm  or is always half hearted about most things or just someone that usually doesn't care about anyone's feelings. You never know if they're actually trying to make you feel better or secretly regretting being friends with you. That's how it feels when I say "You're good enough" "Everything's going to be okay" "You're amazing". I need someone else but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that everything I saw will bring them down with me. I'm not that weak I've dealt with this my whole life.

But I'm still afraid. This gloomy cloud follows me everywhere. I want the sun to come out already I want it to be spring. I don't want to live in winter for any longer.

Help. I reach out to the end of my bed and grab it I'm sitting down facing my bed as I reach out. I grab the blanket and just stay there with my fists clenched. I'm now quietly sobbing. As the days fast approach the more I reach out.

In my mind a scene always plays out. Blacks, whites, and grays fill my thoughts when I reach out. I vision a silhouette that represents me running. I run to the distant figure. I jump trying to reach their hand that's sticking out, signalling to grab their hand. I try to reach out but fail. The cause of that was me falling flat on my face. I look up to the silhouette, still on the ground, so close to me now probably two feet away. They look at me retrieve their hand and walk away. I sit there on the floor.

My emotions were never that stable. Well once as I said my parents weren't always this way. They were loving, caring, spoiled me. Anything that you would want in a parent. They had always supported me until that day. (I don't remember if I ever hinted what happened and I'm making this up as I'm writing it 😭 so if I have this probably will be so different of what I've hinted if I ever have) My parents suddenly went to jail for the first time for buying under the counter candy (idk why I didn't want to say the word). Jail harden them they became unloving they never cared.

At first I tried being the best student I could. I tried to empress them, tried to be the best. I was at the top of my class. Everyone praised me teachers, friends, other students. I was never bullied at that time. Everyone was happy of my achievements except my parents. The people who were supposed to support, care, love, and protect me. They became my worst enemies. Hope started to fade. Everything came crashing down. The memories don't and won't stop. My past haunts me.

Young Y/n:
Mom? Dad?
...................
STOP PLEASE! DON'T TAKE THEM! please..

I can still here my cries, my mom's sobbing, my dad saying that there's a mistake, my brother's confusion. The last that I saw of their loving self. They said they would be back and make up for the lost time at the station. "Don't take them" I begged no one would listen to a 9 year old.

Please........... I want them back........ Mom, dad......................

"I'll love you forever"

I did not expect for this to be this deep. I literally don't know what motivated me to write something like this. I haven't experienced the silhouette thing. For the first chapters I didn't really understand depression or anxiety. Maybe by the 17th chapter I understood. But yeah I don't even know how I even ended up writing all of that. But either way I would have never thought that I would invest this much time into this book I have made 30 parts now with 22 actually chapters. I want to thank everyone for the support I've gotten so far even if it's a little it's still amazing! I would have never have thought that this book would even get 15 reads it's unbelievable that it now has 2k views!!!!! Even if you read this your supporting me in a way thank you! An even greater thank you if you're still here even after all my breaks. I'll try to upload more because of summer break and that's when I started this book! So happy almost one year!!! I'm so happy that we've made it this far! I purple all of you!!!!!!💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Anyways goodbye and see you next time I upload hopefully soon!!!!