𝘐𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴 ♔ 𝘑.𝘉 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴

Texting him [19]

~~TW: mention of suiscide~~

(lower case intended)

~~

i sniff tapping my fingers on the keyboard of my phone texting my boyfriend Jonathan, I just got back from his funeral and was sobbing through tears. 'On the first day of highschool, i shook your hand, yes i was nervous. i couldn't get past those deep eyes of yours that drew me in every second i looked. i was a hot mess. you smiled to me and said "i'm jonathan, nice to meet you," and that's how it started, on [whatever year and date], i was able to officially call you mine after you sent me a long text message saying you wanted to ask me out in person and how you wish you would've done it sooner, but were scared. you said that high school relationships don't last, but wanted to prove yourself wrong. Funny huh? you meant breaking up and moving on, not moving to heaven.

We planned, alot..

one of your last days here, we laid on your bed staring at the ceiling. this day was one i remember perfectly. next to your bed was all the pictures i drew for you for anniversaries. and birthdays that you loved so much. we talked about our future. we would both be actresses and make enough money to support two kids, you did not want any girls, because they were too much works and had periods. you wanted to live somewhere with not alot of people, you liked your space, and a huge house. you hated dogs, but i almost talked you into getting one. you wanted cats because they were no work. all in all, we planned on going to college together, temple university or aria (ironic), and get married.

You were my bestfriend that taught me so much~

i was damaged, i had a very low self-esteem. you taught me to love myself in those short two years that seemed like a lifetime. i was perfect the way i was. you taught me that i could be myself and that no matter what you'd always have my back. you would tell me i was being an idiot or moody. you taught me to screw what other people thought. if were happy, that is all that mattered. you were my bestfriend. we would take walks around the neighborhood and look at houses and talk about us and our future. i laughed more than i ever did. we did things that bestfriends did. like when you tried to show me how to play [a game], and i crashed your brand new car, you didn't let that one go for awhile. or when we would play baseball and it took me a good couple months to finally hold a bat right. we spent a majority of time in your basement laughing and enjoying eachothers presence, funny, that never got boring to us...

There are so many things that remind me of you~

two years didn't seem that long to other people, but for a freshman, sophomore, a junior, it seemed like a lifetime. you were the only boyfriend i had through high school. i wanted us to be like our parents, who met when they were twelve and still going strong. i wanted to show you that relationships do last. here, without you sucks, big time, we had so many memories. the tiny things kill me, whenever i hear [favourite singer/band] (yes we listened to [favourite singer/band], don't judge), i start to cry, you showed me a songs that we claimed was our song; [favourite song], you were the top of acting, something you were so proud of, you worked so hard to get there and was so happy that you could help others, i see some other actors you were friends with at school now, they always talked about how great you were at acting, and they even do it in class, and it reminds me you're still here. i still talk to my brother about how much i miss you, you hated the beach but went with me anyway. you hated so many things, but that made you, you. everytime i hear someone say your name i tear up. every 15 of the month is never the same. i wait for you to come to your locker next to mine and hold me tight to your chest and whisper; "i love you". but that will never happen again. whenever i see the classroom we sat in, my whole stomach drops. there are still many days i cry in the bathroom stall for you.

The aftermath was the hardest~

jonathan, i was far from the perfect girlfriend. i made mistakes that i regret, and think about alot. i hope wherever you are, probably disney right now, that you forgive me. it has been almost nine months since you have passed. i am starting to move on a little bit. i am not gonna lie to myself and you, i've been talking to a few people, it's alot different...and really hard to get used to. no matter what, one thing that will never change jonathan, i loved you, and still do with all my heart. that feeling will never go away. those memories will never go away. i do not think i will ever have a normal relationship again, but i will try. i know that is what you would want. i could write a whole book about us from our pennypack adventures, and first date to our very last at the car show, maybe i will. for now, i am focusing on me and trying to cope, i am very close to your mom, who has become a like mom to me, she is a wonderful woman with a huge heart, who misses you terribly. you dad as well became like a dad to me. it's his birthday today. make sure you say hello to them okay? we are all trying to deal with your death all in different ways, who knows which is right, maybe none is. things have changed. you aren't here, i lost the girls i was closer to, i've lost a lot of weight, and i am definitly not the same girl i was. but i'm trying to fix them. what i do have going for me are some truly amazing friends that have my back, through my toughest times, and made a lot od good memories, some i wish i was making with you, too. today, i am trying to accept the fat i can never bring you back, but need to learn from all of our memories and everything you taught me.

because of you, i now know what true love feels like, and how to look for it again. i have learned that i should put my phone away while walking to the bus. i learned that i should always try my best and take a leap of faith sometimes. because something great could come out of it, or sometimes, something horrible may happen that you need to learn from and bring with you through the rest of your life.

I never thought i would be spending my valentines day in aria hospital screaming for you with all our classmates. we had plans that day, but when i got that text saying; 'i'm sorry', i knew something couldn't have been good. Jonathan passed away from injuries from commiting suiscide.

I want to remember us, the best two years i've ever had, thank you.

love always,
-your girl

This took my fucking ages! My brain hurts now gtg.