Swallowed in the Sea

Big Girls Don't Cry

I was exhausted.

   I had almost forgotten how tiring it was lying to Callie and Arizona. Not only was it emotionally draining, knowingly lying to people who cared so much about you, but it was also physically wearing me out. 

And it had only been a few days.

   I tried to keep myself distanced, keeping my answers to their questions vague in an attempt to prevent myself from getting attached.

I was just going to be ripped away from them again so what was the point?

   It wasn't easy to keep telling myself that though, especially when I started to see how my actions affected Callie and Arizona. It was obviously taking a toll on them.

   They looked just as tired as I did and I could practically see the disappointment in their faces each time I turned down a chance to rebond our relationship.

It was painful to watch.

"Summer, are you hungry?" A knock on the bedroom door followed by Callie's voice called me out of my thoughts.

   I cleared my throat, "No, I'm okay. Thank you though."

   There was a pause of silence but I could tell that Callie was still there. Not just because I didn't hear her footsteps leave but also because I could sense her presence. It felt strange to say that but it was true.

"Are you sure?" Callie sounded worried, "You haven't eaten yet today."

"I'll eat later," I made an empty promise, "I'm not hungry yet."

   Maybe that was enough to satisfy Callie for now or maybe she knew that she wasn't going to get anywhere by continuing to push me. Either way, Callie reminded me that there would be food in the kitchen whenever I was hungry and walked away.

That was what I wanted.

Right?

   I let out a frustrated huff as I flopped on the bed, sprawling my limbs out. I was a little bit hungry but I didn't feel like eating.

No.

   I felt like eating. I didn't feel like stepping out of the bedroom and into an open space where I had to deal with the situation I was in with Callie and Arizona. Just the thought was enough to send shivers down my spine.

I was never good at facing my problems. It was one of my many flaws. 

   The silence I was in felt like it was eating me up, slowly and carefully. The walls of the room seemed to be closing in on me and I began to realize how excruciating it was for me to breathe. 

   Gasping for air, I shot up and shakily started to push myself off the bed. I landed with a thump on the hardwood floor and squeezed my eyes shut as I leaned against the side of the bed for support.

Was I dying?

Was this the consequence of my lies?

   I smothered the urge to let out a sob, clapping the palm of my hand over my mouth. The pain only seemed to get worse though, which intensified the fear coursing through my veins.

   Feeling like I was out of options, I managed to crawl over to the door and stumble onto my feet. Staggering down the hall, I nearly fell flat on my face when I reached the living room.

"Summer?"

   Arizona's concerned tone somehow made things worse, something that I thought couldn't happen. 

   I teetered on my feet as the aftermath of my trip down the hall began to catch up to me. My brain pounded heavily against my skull, sending a radiating ache throughout my body. Unable to stay upright any longer, my legs gave out and I collapsed on the ground.