Swallowed in the Sea

I'm Fine

"For the millionth time, it wasn't on purpose," I huffed, "I really did feel the weird crawling feeling, and no, I was not high!"

"Okay...okay," Dr. Graves sounded surrendering, "I believe you."

I rolled my eyes, "Then why do you keep asking me these stupid questions."

"I just want to make sure you're okay," Dr. Graves said gently.

"I'm fine," I mumbled, staring at Dr. Graves straight in the eye to emphasize my answer.

Dr. Graves' features softened, "Summer, Callie and Arizona mentioned that you often say that you wish you were dead."

"I didn't mean it like that!" I let out a breath, "I'm just saying that if it was either my sister or me that had to die, it should have been me. Not Stella."

"Summer-"

I shook my head, "I'm not going to kill myself. I...I can't leave Callie and Arizona like that."

"Okay..." Dr. Graves nodded, "Okay we can leave that there."

Slightly teed off, I decided to keep my mouth shut for a bit while I settled down to avoid saying something I would regret later. Instead, I focused my eyes out the window, watching the white fluff softly drift down.

The first time it snowed, I was at school. I noticed it was snowing during my last class but it didn't last and by the time I got out, any traces of the snow were gone.

It was like it had never happened.

I hoped the snow stayed this time.

"Summer?" Dr. Graves' voice cut through my thoughts, "Are you listening?"

I didn't even bother trying to lie, "No...sorry."

"That's okay," She smiled kindly, "I was just asking how things were going with your mother."

"Oh..." My stomach clenched at the mention of my mother, "Yeah, it's fine I suppose."

The dreaded week was coming up quickly and though I tried not to think about it too much, there was no denying that I would have to fly out to LA soon.

"I heard you're going to spend the holidays with her?"

I pursed my lips, "Yeah...her and my aunt, and I mean Callie and Arizona are coming too so it's not just us two."

"You don't seem too eager about that," Dr. Graves observed.

"Should I be?" I snorted, "It's going to be so awkward."

Dr. Graves nodded, "But you're still going."

"Yeah..." I sighed, "I don't know why but I am."

"Let's say you had to take a guess," She said rhetorically, "What would you say."

I shrugged, "I don't know."

I knew that Dr. Graves wanted an answer though and part of me wanted to be able to give her one. To prove that I was improving.

"I think Arizona wants me to," I whispered, surprising myself.

I hadn't expected myself to say that.

"You think Arizona wants you to visit your mother?" Dr. Graves asked, keeping her tone neutral.

"Not exactly," I cleared my throat, "I just...I just don't think she wants me to have any regrets, or maybe she wants me to move past it, for my sake. I don't really know...look, I don't really want to talk about it."

Dr. Graves smiled nicely, "That's fine...what do you want to talk about then?"

Truthfully, nothing.