Swallowed in the Sea

The Wisp Sings

Callie and Arizona let me cry until I was sure there was nothing left in my body for me to give. They held me so tight that I was sure that they were the only reason I was still in one piece.

Maybe they were purposely holding me this way because they knew it kept me from falling apart or maybe their intentions were so that I wouldn't feel alone.

Either way, it didn't matter because I appreciated it.

I was grateful they were here to hold me.

It was a slow and gradual process but my sobs did turn into soft hiccups that blended with my uneven breathing.

I felt empty.

As much as I didn't want to, I knew that I would have to return to the hospital room eventually and so while I was sure I wasn't ready, I forced myself to get up anyway with the help of Arizona and Callie. I doubted I would ever be ready for something like this.

We sat in the room for quite a while, though I was sure my perception of time was messed up. Nobody spoke...the only sound that trickled into my ears was the stifled sobs from Sam and the even quieter ones from my mother's husband.

My anger towards him was gone now. I had felt anger before, followed by grief and immense pain, but now I was just empty. Not numb. Just empty.

At some point though, the doctors came into the room and I knew it was time. They explained what would happen and when Sam asked for clarification, they even repeated everything in a tone so kind that it would have stopped the Grinch from stealing Christmas.

I didn't listen to a word of it, the first or second time around.

It was like my ears stopped working and I was now only relying on my eyes to understand what was going on.

We were all standing now. My mother's husband was on the right side of the bed with Sam at the foot of it. I stood somewhere in between the two of them with Callie and Arizona on either side. From my peripheral vision, I saw that my mother's husband had held onto his wife's hand and I fought the urge to stare.

I watched as they turned off the ventilator and disconnected the tube from my mother's mouth. This of course triggered the alarms which I could only vaguely comprehend while my eyes bore at my mother's chest, willing it to rise and fall which would signal that she was breathing on her own.

The alarms which had started as beeping came in faster intervals now and I could feel my hearing begin its struggle to return to me. My eyes didn't move though, remaining determined to watch every last second of this horrible scene.

Nothing.

The rapid beeping turned long and my eyes briefly lifted to look at the monitor, my heart dropping when I saw the straight line.

She was dead.

A frightful wail escaped from Sam's body, the sound similar to the ones that were yanked from my throat earlier and I turned my head to see Sam's knees buckle, only to be caught by Callie who was now quite literally holding her up.

I turned my head the other way to see my mother's husband with a hand covering his mouth while he tried to smother his own cries, his other hand still clinging onto my mother's.

I should be crying.

And yet I wasn't.

A sense of shame washed over me as I realized how cold I was. My mother just died...my mother just died and I was still standing, not at all crying whatsoever.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I endeavoured to figure out what I was feeling. It wasn't sadness...it wasn't grief...it didn't hurt.

What was this?