Not interested

Part 20

I'm saying "I love you" with every single moment of my actions and in response as if hear you saying: "What for?"

I always believed that calm before the storm is one of the bitterest things in the world because no matter how clear the sky is, you can feel the tension and electricity in the air anyway. This single detail spoils the peaceful picture in front of you, making something in your chest turn into worry. You look on the horizon expectedly, forgetting about everything and waiting for the worst to come.

I tried not to think too much and pay attention to all the things that surrounded my and Alex's little world, not allowing myself to make conclusions. Just live and breathe carefully as long as I could. Because I figured you can't learn how to love but you can feel it in every moment of your existence and enjoy it the best way you can. It never meant to last for long so how can you think about mistakes and miss the details?

And yeah, it was all about the details when I was in love. Because I knew the colors of Alex's shirts way too well and the components of his cologne were imprinted on my memory. I knew his favorite guitars and his favorite words in the dictionary because I truly believed that every single thing could've made us closer. I think I was ready to drown in his smirk and teasing glance just to know that I see them over and over again.

But those days the details of my love became my punishment. They say it all starts from small and as I had a terrible habit to pay attention, I started to notice the change. Nothing in particular. Just his dark eyes for moments started to look distant and his smile sometimes was just a little foreign. He was keeping silent about the tour and I quitted trying.

That's how I knew we were getting ready for something. Something that he, for some reason, still couldn't tell.

That day I was hanging out at Tina's. She was making coffee on the stove of her kitchen, turning with her back at me, letting me get tangled in my own thoughts. Those days the meetings like that lost the simplicity of the usual fun friend talks and left the cloud of heaviness above us.

But damn, I still loved April.

Tina had a fair share of her drama as well. The guy from her past that came back was making her doubt everything and everyone. Especially, Jules. And even if I knew what she should've done, I just couldn't say it to her. It wasn't what she wanted, and I knew that sometimes people should learn some things themselves. After all, I could've been utterly wrong about everything.

'One sugar and milk?'

Tina's deaf tone mixed with the distant sound of the radio playing in her kitchen and finally awakened me from thinking too much. In the window to my right, I saw the white blossoming tree peeking through the window as if trying to overhear my answer. A little bird sat down on the bench, looking at me just a little suspiciously, and I mumbled mindlessly:

'Yeah, perfectly right.'

Oh hell, I didn't know where I got that unnatural response to give Tina. I never used to talk that way so as she turned around to place a cup of coffee on the table in front of me, something in her eyes was questioning.

'You didn't dare to ask him all this time, did you? What it's been, a couple of weeks?' Tina asked carefully in a quiet voice, watching my reaction as if the question could've caused the explosion. I've never been a very emotional type, though. Unfortunately, I was used to putting out fires only deep inside of me.

'I don't think I will' I sighed in a recent habit of mine, feeling the irritating sensation of my worry. I and this terrible sensation got along pretty well and I hated it. But they do say the truth when they tell that the person can get used to everything. 'The more time goes, the further I feel myself from making the decision. Nothing feels right anymore.'