Not interested

Part 17

I kept having that dream where I was standing in the middle of the huge room and a lot of people were surrounding me celebrating something. I could see a golden chandelier hanging above me, scaring me with the wealthy heaviness it had. The atmosphere was loud and idle where nobody was concerned about anything. Everybody was drinking champagne and having emotional conversations saturated with poetical drama which they would never remember again.

I had a feeling that I wanted to be one of those people even though it was very clear that I was just a stranger. I was wandering between the tables with drinks and flowers looking for something ephemeral which felt like my lost self. Every time the ending was the same: I would find some lonely room, open the door but see nothing because the dream was starting to fade away.

That night wasn't an exclusion to the rule. I appeared in a huge hall with lots of people which for who knew what time already felt like a habit. I even drank a glass of champagne to feel more confident before looking for the enigmatic room. It didn't help but blurred people's faces.

As I made the first step at the marble stairs which usually led to the room, I got a strange feeling that for the first time since I'd been in that dream everybody was paying attention to my posture. As I was going up further, I looked at my hands and found one of them gracefully brushing the railing. Every movement suddenly seemed confident, easy and naturally lazy. Everything around was melting in a pleasant feeling of admiration while the way to the room was becoming eternally long with my slinky gait. When the door of the room was close enough, in a matter of habit I quietly waved my lashes and spotted the door opening for me:

'So, Ms "Bare legs on the cold winter night", will you dance with me?' and I heard the familiar silky chuckle filling the air.

I woke up late feeling a bit lost because of the dream. My body felt heavy after the events of the last night and I was very tired. I spent almost all night talking to the taxi driver and listening to the radio, smoking God knows how many cigarettes. All of it was weird and natural simultaneously as If I should and shouldn't have done that. The first thought on my mind was about Alex, though.

I was laying in my sheets with a desire to slowly sink in them. The kind of drowning that was especially pleasant after a long night and emotional events of the day before. As I closed my eyes, my mind started to replay some scenes in a fast-forward cinematographic rewind, not leaving a chance to enjoy the recent memories, and I gave that up, understanding that my head was heavy with tiredness.

Trying to get some more sleep, however, I heard my phone ringing on the bedside drawer. The first moment I decided to ignore it but as it was ringing endlessly, I had no choice but to make an effort and pick up the phone. For some reason, I knew it wasn't Alex.

'Hello, Lili? Are you there?' I heard Tina's concerned voice on the line speaking to me and felt a small smile making its way to my lips, leaving my eyes closed.

'Yes, good morning, Tina' I answered softly, appreciating her worry.

'How are you? How did everything go yesterday?' she asked, exhaling in relief, and I felt a bit guilty for not calling her yesterday. That's how it goes when you are so deep in your own drama.

'Um...' I mumbled not even sure what to say in response. As much as great it all ended the day before, I had no idea where I and Alex were in our relationship. And was there a relationship? Maybe, I just made it to the list of one of his girls like the one I'd met a day before? That was the first time that day that the thought of uncertainty crossed my mind. 'There is kind of a lot to tell about last night but everything ended pretty well even though I'm not sure what turn it will take later. I appreciate you worrying about me but everything is fine' I told her truthfully. Just how I felt. There was no need to make up something.