Not interested

Part 23

If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?
You tell me life isn't that hard...

Splash!

A loud disturbing sound rang in the air as I reluctantly opened my eyes, hiding from the gentle honey sun rays of the early morning. The clear, pastel blue retro poster-like sky in its summer gentle beauty was the first thing I saw in front of me, turning my neck to hide from the blinding light. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I closed my eyes again.

No rest for the worried mind, huh?

The sun was shining brightly, making me keep my eyes shut, but it wasn't like I was trying to sleep. For the last month or so, it became mission impossible succeeding only in the state of complete exhaustion and never lasting long enough to actually rest. Fair to say that the chaise lounge I was laying on couldn't make any better.

Could at least something make it any better?

Splash!

I groaned soundlessly, raising up on my elbows. My one-piece striped swimsuit in baby blue shades wrinkled on my stomach as the fabric rose from the movement. The skin on my legs tanned slightly, looking decent enough in the morning sun but I looked away, forgetting about it immediately.

After all, who cared about my tan in that public swimming pool?

Splash!

The source of the sound that made me open my eyes was coming from the other side of the swimming pool. A few kids were splashing around the morning-kissed sunny water, fighting and laughing disobediently, refusing to end the game. I put my hand above my eyes to create the shade and look at them carefully as I sat straight, to my surprise, letting myself a small smile.

The kids were having fun but other than that, the public swimming pool was empty that June morning and I didn't know whether I liked or absolutely hated that fact.

I made myself used to always going somewhere. I'd had a habit like that before but those days I pursued it with all force. To distract myself from thinking, to see people, to feel the summer as much as I could. Something void in my chest had to be filled, and I was looking for the solutions. Proper or illusionary, didn't really matter.

I just needed to ignore the thought of how much I wanted to see him.

Uh, him. Of course, not a moment without mentioning. Those four letters seemed to be the only ones that refused to leave my mind. But could it be any other way? 

Oh yes. Where was my sanity? He rejected me and abandoned me the night I confessed my feelings. He left without saying goodbyes, making it look like nothing had ever happened. Could I lie that it was unexpected, though? No, my biggest fears should've come true one day. That's just how things work: what's natural should be accepted.

Especially, when there is no possibility for a change.

It's funny to be this logical and indifferent. I guess the first thing I'd felt the morning I woke up alone and couldn't reach Alex in any way possible, was a pain in my chest along with the tired relief. I'd feared for so long for something to happen, that came to the point when the outcome didn't matter anymore. I knew it all before, I'd felt it all before in my mind, thinking about the possible scenarios. That morning I just had to follow the way I imagined it.

Let my heart break fully now and not care about its pieces.

Let the new and simple mantra sink in.

For us, it was all over.

Splash!

I got up from my seat slowly, trying to escape from my thoughts. The kids in the swimming pool were told off for the innocent game by their moms and taken away to have breakfast. Something inside of me would like to be a kid too, carelessly splashing the water around and wishing only for the game to last longer.