Not interested

Part 8

What does the kiss mean? Is it nothing or everything? Or maybe, there is no word to describe what it really is and all we have is our wrong feelings?

What makes us feel so alive and dead at the same time? Is it a special atmosphere or a delicious cologne which spins our heads? You should become a philosopher to find the reason why it seems like everything has changed but in reality, it remained untouched.

And I wasn't one. You can obviously guess. I was just a fool with a taste of Alex's lips on mine and I couldn't get rid of it. Fortunately or unfortunately? That was the main question. Uh, we are always so unsure about the things we do.

I don't remember how the evening was after the kiss. Nate and all these things. It just felt like there was nothing, just some mix of pictures and sounds that you don't really have an urge to recall in your mind when it's over.

But what I do remember is that I've finally written something. Just some thoughts and emotions. I spilt them on a paper with colourful paint of my words and caught a feeling of relief. Not a full, but sort of.

Standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom I was brushing my teeth. Just a routine action not in a routine way. I found myself drawing circles on the mirror with water on my fingers slowly and unconsciously.

I was just slowed down. Dreamy and out of the world. I was the astronaut to touch the Moon and when I did I couldn't believe it. Alex's essence filled me not giving a single chance to escape and left with a feeling of floating that was following me through the days. But why? Why did Alex do it? Maybe, all of it was just a stupid game?

I finished brushing my teeth and stood to look at myself in the mirror. The endless thoughts were spinning in my head obsessively like a bad habit. It was strange to see myself like this.

My milky brown hair in curly waves in a usual mess wasn't attractive, in my opinion. As my honey eyes were sparkling on the light of the bathroom lamp, I've noticed the face features of mine. I've drawn a line through my cheekbones only to state that they weren't sharp enough.

The white tank top revealed not really graceful collarbones and small shoulders that I was ashamed of. They had nothing in common with those swan shoulders of the girls like Jane who seemed proud and free thanks to their posture.

My breasts and stomach were average as well as my angular knees. The word "average" was screaming at me through the mirror and I felt weak and wrong. No, there was no way he could like me. So, it was a mock?

It was bitter to think like that. The game is fun only until it doesn't break someone's heart. So, could mine break? And could he feel something? No, I bet that didn't even care about the consequences. I bet that it was just because he wanted me to feel how powerful he was and Nate wasn't a thing. Well, it was the truth but did he have a right for it?

Uh, I wish I could stop thinking of him for a moment but his figure appeared everywhere I was. In my bed when I slept, in my kitchen when I was making coffee, on the streets when I was looking at people. Even now, in my bathroom, somewhere in the mirror Alex was looking at me with his dark eyes and that damn smirk which I wanted to erase from my head. The flash in his eyes was sparkling and I shivered.

No. That was enough. I blinked a few times to clear the vision and came out of the bathroom. That was the day like no other was.

Nothing couldn't save the situation as I was working in a florist shop and everything around made me feel even worse. I was literally going crazy. The sight of the beautiful fresh flowers made me sick.

Perhaps, I was sick. I just didn't have a temperature and a running nose. The symptoms were worse. And the only treatment didn't show up.

"What's wrong with you all day, darling?" asked Tina giving me a concerned look as we were going to go home. I knew that she was the only person I could tell everything so I felt a little relief with her question.