Not interested

Part 9

I wish I could stop the time. Or at least, make it go a little slower. To feel, to remember, to see all the smallest details. I wish I could make everything an eternity: a kiss, a glance, a touch.

It seemed like complicated things became easy when I and Alex kissed near the bar on the cold February evening. But it was just a minute illusion. We created an equation that was impossible to solve and here we were, on the threshold of obscurity. Total and scaring obscurity.

The steam from my coffee cup was blurring the sight from outside the window. It's funny how people can be compared to coffee. It makes us think about our sweetness and bitterness. Perhaps, Alex was a black one with sugar and I was a cappuccino without.

I was waiting for Matt in a coffee shop. He wanted to meet up after a long time of him being abroad and me being too "busy". It all was just an excuse because I was afraid to see Matt after what happened between me and Alex. Did he know about it? Did he judge me for kissing a man who has a girlfriend? I was tapping my fingers nervously in order to calm myself down but it was making everything even worse.

'Lili, it's so good to see you again' I heard a pleasing voice of Matt behind my back and turned around giving him an awkward smile. He seemed to be in a good mood but his moon-like eyes were a little lost.

'Yeah, I am happy to see you too' I answered casually as he sat at the table. I was tensed up and a little paranoid but was desperately trying not to show it.

'So, how is it going?' he asked me with a bright smile and a friendly tone. Something was telling me it wasn't as genuine as I wanted it to be. 'What about your writing drought?'

'Well, actually, it has finally ended' I said feeling a little relief with a question on a neutral topic. 'I've written a couple of chapters of my new story so that's something'

'Does it have something to do with Alex?' he suddenly dropped the question like a bomb, blurted it out and it made an explosion in my head. There was no anger on his face but the usual smile disappeared making me flinch.

'What are you trying to say?' I mumbled unnaturally making a sip of my already cold coffee. Avoiding eye contact was the only way not to feel the shame.

'I'm sorry that I say it out of nowhere. When I was going here I tried to persuade myself not to ask anything about it but it slipped from my tongue anyway' his grey eyes were soft but a little judging and I thought that I couldn't handle it. 'I know that both of you had a couple of moments. Alex told me' Alex told him? But why? I felt my heartbeat trying to escape my chest because there was no way in this world he could talk about me.

And if he did what it was like? A mock? A joke? A painful saying about how pitiful I was? What was his face like? Did he smile? Or frown? Or made a grimace? I tried to imagine it in my head but all I got was a mix of pictures and no scene.

'Yeah, we did' I muttered looking at my hands under the table. Why did I feel guilty?

'You understand that it's not right, do you? He has a girlfriend' Matt was trying to give me a sort of advice with his reassuring tone but all I felt was pitifulness. Nothing more, nothing less.

'I do know, Matt' I said nervously and a small irritation sound left my lips unwillingly. He was telling me everything I had been thinking about all this damn time and the reminder was torture. 'It's just not as simple as I want it to be'

'I see what you are saying. Yeah, no doubt, Alex is a good guy. I've known him for a long time to judge' Matt tapped his fingers on a table mindlessly in order to gather all his thoughts. 'But when it comes to romance...'

'There is no romance' I cut a little too harshly seeing him regretting the word. 'We had a kiss and that's all. That was a moment of weakness that I let myself to succumb to. I know every word you may say so don't waste time on a lecture' I felt a bitter taste on my tongue with spoken words. A clot of something painfully familiar stuck in my throat and I was unable to swallow it.