Not interested

Part 15

It's pretty difficult sometimes to admit your feelings. It's almost funny to understand how strong and carefree you want to seem to other people standing in front of a fear to be happy in love. But as I found out, for some reason it never works.

Pretending and lying are actually not very bad ways to hide your emotions. They are pretty effective sometimes if you act good enough and talk not too much. But the thing is that sooner or later you can't do that anymore and everything breaks down inside you making it only so much worse.

I was laying on the green floral couch and staring at the ceiling. The thoughts were enveloping my mind with a fog of illusions as the quiet slow music was playing on the background. My body felt heavy on the soft couch but I didn't really pay attention. The atmosphere around felt like another dimension and my mind was intensely thinking. It had been 2 weeks since the coffee shop meeting but I was sitting on my hands with no understanding what to do next.

I was playing the game of pretending and lying with myself. The artificiality of all the masks I tried to wear was perfectly seen and there was no way to escape the truth. I was trying to hide from the reality in my own bubble. However, it seemed like I didn't make any progress in that.

'Which one? Pink or yellow?' I heard a voice through the fog of my thoughts and raise my head to look at its owner. Tina was standing in front of me and holding two dresses in her hands looking at me in an anticipation.

'Uh, I don't know... Maybe, the pink one would be fine' I answered trying to give Tina a convincing look but she didn't buy it.

We'd been hanging out in her apartment since she'd been dressing up for a date with Jules. It appeared to be that they got along really good together on that day in the coffee shop and he instantly asked her out. I was supposed to help but could barely concentrate on anything.

'Oh, come on' she sighed annoyingly. 'You know that I hate when you are like that. I've picked the dress already but I just wanted to distract you from your current state. You think too much and it's unhealthy'.

'I know, right?' I answered feeling a little bit guilty about not paying attention to Tina's date. It's funny how wrapped up a person could be in its own problems. 'I'm sorry for being so useless but I can't stop thinking about that situation with Alex. This weird heavy feeling in my chest doesn't let me do anything'.

'Oh, darling,' Tina looked at me knowingly like an older sister who had some life experience, like a caring mom - with no judjement but a deep understanding. 'Have you considered this feeling in your chest as a proof that you need to do something, to act?'

'But what can I do? He is probably with Cassie or somebody else and doesn't need me at all' I said desperately feeling myself like a hurt child.

'If Alex is with someone it's only because you are afraid of revealing your true feelings. You are being a fool. Basically, ruining your own happiness' the truth slipping through Tina's strawberry lips was spreading around the dimly lit room wishing to escape out the window into the cold darkness and I coudn't handle it. I knew Tina was right and I felt guilty but somehow I would have liked those words to break away. 'You should go to him and say everything about your feelings. Don't think about the consequences just for once. You never know it before you try it, am I right?'

I looked into Tina's bright eyes with hesitation. All she'd said earlier was true from the first letter to the last dot and I had no arguments to contradict. Perhaps, for the first time in forever I should have made an important step or lose something very precious.

'You are' I sighed heavily standing up from my spot on the couch as if being tired of not moving. The tune was still quietly playing on the background but somehow we manged not to notice it.