Not interested

Part 25

Heartbreak is a strangely perfect time for learning new things, don't you think?

I felt like I learned quite a lot since the moment Alex had left without saying goodbyes. I knew the lessons all by heart and if there was any kind of school of love, I would pass the exams on the subject Heartbreak with all the highest marks. Don't let them be your world. Don't let them see your obsession. Don't let them hear the words "I love you" if they never proved they needed them for real.

The psychologist would've corrected all of them and announced to me the post heartbreak diagnosis.

But can there be such thing as "post" if you still love someone?

I barely remember how I got home from the bar that night. Alex, that girl, people around, and the terrible feeling inside of me – it refused to leave my memory just as easy as I'd let it in. I kept replaying the words I said, the words he said, his glances, his movements, his expressions. Every possible and impossible detail of Alex's that was nothing but one more fucking torture.

Even the truth I told him right in the eyes couldn't help. It was making me feel worse with the irrational pangs of guilty conscience in addition.

I didn't believe that the girl he had with him was serious or important. Hell, no. The way he hurried to prove me wrong about my sarcastic assumption showed me she meant nothing. But I wasn't sure it could make things any better. I just knew that we couldn't be together anymore. Even if he managed to love me unconditionally all of a sudden, I wouldn't let myself a weakness of trust.

That is why, indeed, I kept leaving the word "over" on the cafe napkins and random wrinkled paper sheets.

It was hard to believe we once used to be together. That night in the bar I felt so much but we were already so far that my breath was getting ahold of me, keeping me from spilling my emotions. Some part of me regretted saying "I love you", that's true. I wondered if he ever craved for three of those words himself. Maybe, he was right. Maybe, he just wasn't the type of man who needed it.

It was a pity, though, I was thinking of it so much, getting stuck with Alex on the same goddamn boat.

Yeah, it was Tina's idea for me to take part in the boat day on which one of her friends was going. She couldn't go herself because of some "mysterious" circumstances that were apparently connected to the guy she was dealing with or they didn't exist at all. I tried to dismiss her idea in all the ways possible but she didn't let me live in peace for the whole weekend. Eventually, I gave up and agreed to go just to be left alone.

That was also when I found out that it wasn't just a boat ride but a couple-day trip along the river to some camp or place, I'd never heard of. And of course, it was when I was told about Matt being there. I prayed to God for Alex having some other important plans for that day but sure...

He was just as present there as I was.

'God, it's so hot today I can barely breathe.'

I heard an annoyed high-pitched voice talking loudly as I turned my head to look at its owner after approximately ten minutes of complete zone out. A girl with crow-black hair that barely reached her shoulders with the simple name of Sally was sitting right next to me and combing her locks with a brush. We'd met just a bit while before, right before stepping on the boat.

And for some weird reason, she enjoyed my company.

'Yeah, it is' I answered shortly, not finding anything better to say and returning my gaze right ahead of me.

Yeah, just like that, Lili. What a captivating conversation.

Sally wasn't wrong, though. It was certainly hot that day. We were sitting on the beach towels at the bow of the ship in our swimsuits along with a bunch of people all around. The sun was shining brightly in a lemon-like tint, reflecting on the crystal blue water of the river, creating white diamond sparkles. Girls and men in their colorful bathing suits and caramel tan were talking and laughing, tapping impatiently on the wooden surface of the ship with their feet. The ship was supposed to leave soon and everybody grew impatient with excitement.