You, Me, and My OCD

Let's Get Real

If you're reading this and things seem different that's because I've changed the book. I wanted to finish the original one by this weekend 2-20-15, but I couldn't. It wasn't what I wanted it to be at all. Some of you may say "Well, it was all over the place." and I agree. Truthfully I am all over the place.

Let's get real.

My name is Sara and I am 24 years old. I am broken.. and scared and I spend most of my day praying. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I may never get better. I spend almost all of my time- all of my time being compulsive. I pray at least 8 hours a day, but it's not the happy, rejoicing type of prayer. It's the... "I'm such a bad person. I'm probably out of fellowship with God. God's angry with me, please don't be angry God. I'll give you anything you want. Maybe if I pray more, read more, do more God will love me." type of praying. Shocking? If you've read my other books maybe it seems like I have it all together, but truth is I am broken.

I grew up in a abusive environment. My uncles and grandpa molested children. I can't ever remember being molested, but I know I was. It's where my OCD stems from- don't get me wrong. OCD is a brain disorder caused by a chemical imbalance. Not everyone who has OCD has suffered from abuse- but I have. It's partly where my feelings of unworthiness come from. Someone, held me down, molested me and told me it was my fault. If you've been there, know I am crying with you. I hurt too.

The other part is from my abusive father. When I was little he was just mean. He never beat me, but I was made to think I was nothing. I remember one time I won a beauty pageant. I was really overweight and always felt ugly- I am sure some of you guys struggle with this too- I won the pageant. I wrote a poem, had a beautiful dress and deserved that crown, but I was the only one in my age category, so obviously I won queen. I ran home and told my dad and his response was "It's easy to win when you're the only one in your age group." another time I walked 5 miles. It took me forever, but I was working so hard to loose weight. Again, I ran home and told him. "Daddy, I walked five miles today!" his ugly response "Good. It won't be so hard tomorrow." I was told I was fat, conceited, spoiled and ungrateful.

My mom would have walked to the moon and back for me, but she suffered from depression and slept most of the time. I raised myself, got no middle or high school education. I don't understand why my mom loved me like she did (she's deceased now) but abandoned me often. One time I had surgery and she wasn't there because she was taking care of someone else. She did that often, she abandoned me, but took care of others.

I was raised alone, abandoned and hurt. Toss in OCD and you've got a recipe for disaster.

My mom understood my OCD, but my dad didn't. It made him angry. He thought if I tried harder I wouldn't be so sad all the time. I was never held, never cradled and left feeling very unwanted by him.

I don't know why I am telling you all of this, but I am. I believe God wants you to know. Maybe it's so he can speak through you. I know I've encouraged a lot of ya'll and now I need it. I don't know how I handle all my past- truth is I am just not beginning to deal with it.

The words that are spoken to Aleah in these chapters are words that were spoken to me by my own dad. I want to make clear he never beat me like Aleah's father has, but I'm pretty sure emotional abuse and physical abuse both leave scars.

I hope you guys truly enjoy this book.

I love you and am excited for this journey,

Sara Elizabeth :)