Bucky Barnes - Love and Lust

Crowded Thoughts

It was now around 7pm. Bucky had arranged for you both to hang in his room for the night. Asking Steve to go elsewhere so it was just the two of you. Still on bad terms, Steve did as Bucky told him. Trying to gain his respect back. You knew it wouldn't take too long for them to get back to usual, they have been best friends for like almost 100 years, give or take the time Steve spent in ice and Bucky with Hydra.

You were all cuddled up in bed watching a horror movie, Bucky's favourite genre. You couldn't tell whether he liked the thrill it gave or the violence. Who knows.

"This movie is really scary but you're into it so i'm trying not to cover my eyes, but- WHAT IS THAT?!", you yelled pointing at the tv. 

"Oh don't worry doll it's just a severed head", he chuckled to himself.

You hid your head in his chest, the sound of the movie still scary enough to make you jump every now and then. He squeezed you tight. Bucky had noticed you had been off all night. Not your usual self.

"You've been crying.. why?", he asked in concern, your eyes were still puffy from earlier.

"I haven't?", you replied letting the lie slip through your lips.

"Y/N, don't pretend you haven't. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it Buck can we just watch the film?", you said trying to act as normal as possible.

He paused the movie and looked at you, you looked away. "First of all, I know you hate this movie, it's too scary for you. Second of all, why can't you look me in the eyes doll.."

"Just hold me.. okay?", you replied eyes filling up with tears.

He cuddled into you tight, brushing your hair softly with his fingers.

"You can tell me anything.. you know that right?"

You sat up and gave him a blank stare. "I let people down. It's what I do.."

He looked at you in confusion, placing his hand on your cheek to make you feel safe.

"Nat told me she loves me.."

"Oh.", he let his hand slip away from your face, "What did you say back?".

"I told her that I wish I was sorry but I hate her.. and I regret saying that now. I left her in tears Buck, she's so upset. She swapped rooms with Wanda.."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?", he said pulling you back to his chest, relieved with your response.

"I didn't want to hurt you. I don't love her I promise! But I care for her in a different way I should. I know what she did to us but I can't help but feel bad for the things I said to her this afternoon", you began to cry.

"I wish I could take away your pain.. I really do. I believe that you don't love her, don't worry. This will all blow over, i'm sure you will be sorted by next week."

"Thats the thing Buck, I don't think we will, and that scares me. I've lost her forever, I feel like a complete loser."

"Shhh, it's okay. I've got you", he said squeezing you tight, trying to relieve your stress, "How about I run you a bath and you can sleep over if you'd like?".

"Yes that sounds nice".

-

Bucky was in the bathroom running your bath when you shouted, "I'm just going to get more popcorn."

"Okay, be quick", he shouted back, voice muffled through the door.

You walked into the kitchen, it was empty. Everyone must have been in their rooms. Looking through the cupboards you eventually found the popcorn, opening the wrapper and placing it in the microwave.

All of a sudden a voice came from down the hallway. A female, on the phone. 

"Yeah I can be there at 10 tomorrow Tony", she said her voice croaky as usual. It was Nat. Finally you could apologise.

She hung up the phone as she walked in. Noticing you were stood there. She walked past you, ignoring your presence.

"Nat, i've been meaning to talk to you-"

She cut you off mid sentence, "-i'm leaving tomorrow morning."

You stared at her for a moment.

"What do you mean leaving..?", asking in both confusion and sadness.

"Tony has been building a new compound for months now and its finally ready. This place is getting a little crowded, so i've asked if I can be the first to move. I leave at 10 tomorrow."

"Wow. You can't just express your feelings to me and then just leave Nat."

"Oh wait really? Like you left me in that room earlier when I was at my lowest?", she said in angst.

"Don't turn this against me."

"Turn what against you? I told you I loved you and you threw it in the trash like it didn't mean anything to you. I can't.. I can't fall in love with you. I don't want all the pain that comes with it", she mumbled getting visibly upset.

"I've been looking for you all afternoon, I regret what i said, I regret hurting you. I'm sorry Nat!"

"I don't want your apology." She grabbed a soda from the fridge and began to leave as she muttered, "This will be a pain you'll never forget. I'll always be in your thoughts, tugging at your heart, making you regret you ever hurt me."

She left abruptly. Now you were the one left in tears.

You jumped, startled at the sound of the microwave, the popcorn was ready.

-

When you came back to Bucky's room, he instantly noticed your teary eyes. 

"You've been gone for 10 minutes, whats happened doll?"

You collapsed in his arms, crying hysterically. "She's gone Buck. It's over."

He tried to understand your pain through his hatred for Nat. He wasn't mad at you, he was mad at the fact she hurt you. He held you close.

"Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that baby.."

You tried to concentrate on the sound even though it was muffled through your tears.

He held your head in his hands, "I'm not going to leave you. You'll never have to suffer by yourself again, I promise".