The Book Of Anna & English

10 - Lost Boy

Hello... The first part is a little rough but it get's better xx

Triggers:

- Underage smoking

- Depression

- Anxiety attack

***

things are bad right now.

***

Anna

He came to me with the sweetest smile, told me he wanted to talk for a while.

The black surround me, a thick smog, making it impossible for me to breathe. I should have known. You stupid girl, you can never outrun the darkness.

The water in the tub ran cold hours ago, goosebumps on my flesh as I shiver every now and then, knowing the moment I woke up that it would be a bad day. There will be no blue skies.

My mind has branded me as a burden; somewhere between falling asleep under the stars, walking home in a daze, and waking up five hours ago, I am convinced that I am a nuisance. That I'm fourteen again, and Harry is entertaining me because I'm Oliver's younger sister.

"Come on, Anna, you need to pull yourself together," I murmur, knowing I'm heading to a disaster, heading to the point of no return. The water sloshing around me, onto the tiles. "It's okay, you'll be okay."

I move to sit upright, my eyes catching my reflection of my small mirror that sits on the closed toilet where I left it after plugging my eyebrows. It's chalky, looking like ash, so dead. The lights make me pinch my eyes; it's just too much right now.

My hands come up, bringing a waterfall with them, cold on my face, but it brings some relief too. I lean back down, my body too heavy, as I sink into the water again.

Anna, please, it's okay. It's not the truth. I beg myself, moving even slower, my hands gripping the edge of the tub, my head tilted back. Please.

That's the thing about depression; it can't stand the fact that you're happy. Like a seed, it stays inside, ready and waiting for the right time to start growing. Right in the pit of your stomach, up, up until it reaches your throat and constricts your airway, and then it turns into anxiety. 

Each leaf another reason, another toxic way of hating yourself. My breathing is shallow, and anger rises in me. I just want to be normal.

The sobs get stuck in my throat, the tears sitting underneath my lashes, but I can't let them go; I'm afraid if I start, it will never end.

The water bubbles on the surface.

It's your own fault, Anna. It is; I can never leave well enough alone. I couldn't live with the al knowing numbness; I had to remove the layers. I sink down completely, the water meeting before my eyes like a closing curtain, the raw sobs cursing through my throat, and I scream. It all just fucking hurts so much.

My heart burns; something is pocking it with a hot iron, leaving gaping holes where the hurt is leaking from.

I get up when my breath is finished, emerging with a gasp, standing up, and get out. The water falls onto the floor, my wet body leaving a trail as I walk. The wet clothes cling to me as I try to pull them off.

A pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt later, I'm walking from one side to the other, my wet hair sticking to my back, leaving a damp spot on my shirt, begging my body not to shut down, to give me peace for once.