Backstage (h.s)

46. Nashville

Esme

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We haven't spoke since you went away

Comfortable silence is so overrated

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When we got onto the bus I was put next to Patrick in the loft, I've never felt more awkward it was silent and not the comfortable kind, I felt like I was going to suffocate and harry had to watch us he was sitting across from Patrick and I, Patrick being the asshole he is he would try and find ways to touch me to make harry mad and it worked 

he looked like he wanted to murder him and I don't blame him, we've been on the bus for maybe 30 minutes now and we still have hours to go, I look over to harry and he doesn't look me  in the eye, I feel his stare burn through me and Patrick and I can't help but try and scoot away from him 

I feel Patrick enter my vicinity again and I look over to him seeing his grin on his face as he looks at harry, "can you please stay on your side" I say quietly and he scoffs, "no we're together again and I wanna lay with you" he says and I feel his clammy hands touch my face and I squirm away feeling uncomfortable 

"we're not together its just for show" I say and he visibly gets angrier, "bullshit esme we're back how we used to be now that Harrys not in the picture" he says loud enough for harry to hear and I hear him let out a breath 

"please Patrick can we just not talk I wanna sleep" I whisper and he stares at me, "then sleep come on cuddle with me" he says standing up and he takes my hand, I pull it away and I smile, "go wait in the bed for me I'll meet you there" I lie and he smirks, he nods his head and he shuts the curtain behind him, I let out a short breath and I feel my eyes find Harrys

Harry stands up and he walks closer to me, I look away from him and I feel my chin move back to his face to look at him, I see his eyes and I notice the look of anger but also the look of relief when he sees my face fully 

"I wanna kill him" he grunts and I bring my hands to his face and I touch his cheeks, "I know, I want to hurt him too but we have to be strong until this blows over" I whisper and he leans his head against mine breathing me in, "what if it doesn't blow over" he speaks and I feel my heart drop, "fate will decide that for us" I say and he puts his hands on my hair and smoothes it over 

"looks like fate isn't working in our favor" he mumbles and I grab his hands, "we will work I promise" I whisper and I feel him lean closer to me he presses his lips to mine and I can't help but crumble into him, he's everything I want and it tears me apart that I can't have him 

I would do anything thing to be with him anything. 

I feel him pull away quicker than I wanted but I have to remember there are two people who would do anything to split us up, "Esme" I hear Patrick call out from the beds and I separate from harry fast and I let out breath when I don't see the curtain open, I look to Harry and I hear harry speak, "she's In the bathroom she'll be out in a minute" he yells and I thank him, I walk to the bathroom and I shut the door behind me 

I see my reflection in the mirror, I look tired and drained my hairs all over the place I still see my red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, my mascara is around my eyes, I'm a fucking mess 

I grip the edge of the sink and I lean to the mirror, "come on esme" I whisper to myself, I'll have to lay with my abuser and theres nothing I can do to stop it, it's gonna happen 

"be strong" I let my head fall and I look to the sink, I feel the bile rise in my throat at the thought of being close to him, I can never look at him the same

I stand up once again and I run my hands through my hair feeling the sweat start to come, I shake my hands trying to make the panic feeling leave me but I don't succeed 

I hit the sink and I open the door walking out into the loft, I see ember look into my eyes she's looking to see if I'm okay and I'm not but I nod telling her I am, she looks down and nods her head, I walk to the curtain and when I bring my hand up to it I feel my hand being brought away from it 

"esme no" I hear Harrys voice whisper shout to me, I bring my head to look at him and I see his in a panic state as well, "I don't have a choice" I look at him and he shakes his head in fear 

"you do, don't go lay with him" he looks in pain when his eyes meet mine and I look down straight away, "I'm sorry" I turn back to the curtain and I close it behind me, I'm faced with Patrick laying on the bottom bunk laying facing me and he taps In front of him for me to lay 

I inch over to him and I cringe when he grabs my hand, I feel him tug at me and I fall onto the bed, he inches his front to my back and I feel the outline of his dick on my ass and I scoot away from him, thats the last thing I want 

"just like old times" he whispers into my ears and I close my eyes not bearing another second of him, hopefully I can just fall asleep and I'll be in my own world till we get to Nashville, "we never cuddled" I spit back and I hear him scoff, "whatever" he spits back and I squeeze my eyes shut not daring to open them and I feel his arms over mine and I feel my face get hot 

I feel my eyes start to flood and I think of how Harrys sitting in agony out there while I'm in here with my ex, it pains me to think and I feel the tears hit the sheets on the side of my head 

fuck this hurts, "goodnight Essie" I feel his hot breath whisper into my ear and I let out a breath that I've been holding in the whole time, I feel the tears run faster and I manage to speak 

"goodnight Patrick" I whisper and he lets out a sigh 

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-c