64. For him

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Esme

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Esme

***

Let's fall apart
I don't wanna talk about it
I just wanna hold your hand

***

December 2018 

It's been the longest three months of my life, right after I got out of the hospital that day I knew I was different, I went back to harry's house and I knew something was off with me 

I remember we sat on the couch and he turned on the tv, he told me he was going to make some food for me and that I could stay here and relax and I did but then being alone I wandered off into my thoughts 

it was a scary place I felt what it was like being back in that place with Matthew and Patrick, I forgot where I was so much that harry had to shake me to get me out of my head but I pushed him away when I felt his hands on me 

that was a new thing as well, no one could touch me it felt like their slimy hands all over again which I know had to be hard for harry, I really thought he was gonna leave, but he didn't and I'm grateful for it 

he stayed by my side, he was there when I wrote my thoughts down in my journal, he was there for the endless nightmares and he was there for when I need a blanket or tissues or ripples collar 

anytime I needed him he was by my side, he canceled his tour to stay home which made me feel guilty and grateful at the same time 

another new thing was I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him either, I had to sleep in one of the guests rooms, I knew Harry was upset but he wasn't upset with me he was upset because I had to go through this

sometimes when I couldn't sleep I would check in on him in our room, he would be asleep curled up into a ball with my letter I wrote before the accident, he slept with it every night that I couldn't sleep in our bed 

it was just me and my journal for the first month, then I started to go out in public again, I would go out with ember sometimes or I would go to her and Lou's apartment and hang out with them, sometimes harry would tag along 

Harry was also occupied with trying to get revenge, after I got released from the hospital, harry told me that Matthew and Patrick were both put in prison but I knew he was still gonna find a way to get revenge which made me scared but a little excited which was a new feeling, before all of this I would of never been happy for someone getting hurt because of me but now I guess I am 

and that brings us to today, it's December 12th 2018, harry and I have decorated the house for Christmas, we got a tree and ornaments and I was happy, actually happy when we were putting the decorations up 

"I'm gonna make some food" I say to him and he follows me into the kitchen 

"does grilled cheese sound good?" I ask him and he nods sitting on the counter, I pull out the bread and I put some pam on the pan turning on the stove 

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