Tarzan & G.I. Jane (Complete)

Part 19

Trigger Warning ⚠️ self harm discussed

I open my eyes and find Sam sitting in a chair next to my hospital bed. He is watching the TV, which he has muted with subtitles. I try to swallow but my throat is dry. I turn and see water on the tray. I go to reach for it and my movement gets Sam's attention. He quickly turns to me and grabs my hand. 

"How are you feeling? Need anything? I should call for the nurse."

"Water." I whisper. 

He gets up, walks around my bed, and pours me a glass of water. I drink it and it's like heaven on my dry throat. Sam sits back down this time facing me. Once I put the cup back down he grabs my hand again. 

"Gabbie...can you please tell me what happened?"

It takes a minute before I can talk to him. The sadness and concern written all over his face breaks my heart. 

"I'm sorry...I didn't know what to do...I just needed to feel...something else."

"I don't understand. You could have talked to me. I tried calling you after whatever it was that happened on the sidewalk. The doctor said you've done this before. That you have faded scars on your legs."

I hate those scars. It was years before I felt comfortable wearing a swimsuit again. Thankfully they are so old no one ever notices them. I guess until now. I nod.

"I used to when I was a teenager. I swear I haven't done it since I aged out of the foster system or joined the Air Force."

"I know the doctor said you cut your wrist sideways which is better than up your arm but...Gabs?...did you try to kill yourself?"

I sigh. I know he is holding back tears now. He is always so strong. I have never seen him this weak.

"No...I just wanted to feel something. I can't explain it. It's like the pain helps distract me. I don't have to worry or feel the pain or worse the lack of feeling for that brief moment because I'm focused on the pain of the cut. I'm so sorry. I didn't want this. I didn't want to hurt myself. It just happened."

He didn't say anything, he just sat there. 

"I should have called you. I just didn't know what to say. After what happened I was upset and confused."

"What did happen?"

A flash of Tarzan and Libby kissing crosses my memory. I don't realize it until Sam is standing next to me, looking down at me, and wipes a tear from my cheek. I look into his eyes and my heartaches. All I see is love and concern.

"I will start. I was walking to my meeting, minding my own business, looking at my cell, when you walk smack into me. I try to step back and steady us. Before I know it you are kissing me. To say I was shocked is an understatement. But once I realized what was happening, I won't lie, I reveled in it. It is something I've thought about doing many times."

"Sam...I didn't know."

He smiles at me and his fingers graze down my cheek.

"I know. You never noticed or encouraged me so I knew you didn't see me like that. That's why I never made a move...no matter how many times I wanted to. I love you Gabriella and your friendship is way too important to me to risk it."

I think my heart just broke. How could such an amazing person exist and more so love me? 

"Sam, you are my best friend and the only family I have. I can't lose you."

"Who said anything about losing me? I'm the one who thought I was going to lose you."

I watch as the color drains from his face as he thinks back to finding me in the kitchen. 

"I'm so sorry."

"Just promise me you will never do it again! No matter what! You can talk to me."

"I promise. And I promise I wasn't trying to leave you. I just..."

He hugs me before sitting down on the bed next to me. 

"Ok, back to the story. So you kissed me. Then things take a strange turn when Tumaini shows up out of nowhere. He grabs you and hits me. At this point I am completely confused and late for my meeting. From the looks on your guys' faces I quickly figured you were in an argument and I didn't want any part of it. So I went to my meeting. As soon as I was done I went home and you weren't there. So I went looking for you and kept calling you. You never answered. I figured you were with him. I was confused and jealous and went to hang out with the guys. God if I had known you'd..."

"Stop! It's not your fault. I should have answered my phone or called you once I was home. When I got there it was dark and you weren't there. I thought you were mad at me. I was scared you would kick me out."

"Shit!"

"It's not your fault! I am to blame. I was upset with Tumaini and when I ran into you I didn't think about it. I just kissed you to upset him in return. I didn't think you would kiss me back, I'm sorry. I never thought he would hit you either. You walked off and I didn't want to talk to him so I ran off. I just kept walking. The more I walked my mind went down a dark path. I felt like I was about to lose everything in one moment. I didn't want to be alone again."

Sam wraps his arms around me and holds me as I cry. 

"I don't know about him but I'm not going anywhere."

Safe in Sam's embrace I fall back to sleep.