Meet Me in the Hallway (HS AU)

forty.

I hardly slept.

My brain was wired on a loop. Every time I was able to finally fall asleep, my mind would jolt me awake in a harsh reminder of my actions. I hardly slept, to the point I could hear Harry and Clem moving around the house, and I had slept a total of about 40 minutes.

It was obvious I wasn't going to sleep, but I couldn't bring myself to face either of them. The blankets started to feel like a straightjacket and I needed to be free of its constraint. With my head feeling heavy and stomach churning, I slid off the mattress and laid with my back flat on the wood floors below.

Unfortunately in my movements off the bed, because I am a fucking idiot, my arm caught onto my phone charger which yanked my phone off the bedside table and onto my face. The slight pain was just enough to open the flood gates I had been holding shut with hot glue and tape.

The tears burned as they fell down my face, each droplet felt like a blade to my cheek. My throat dried up and it was hard to take a deep breath. My chest became tight and my lungs wouldn't accept any air. It was hard to remain silent. Scrambling, I reached for my phone and quickly hit shuffle on my music, turning the volume up as loud as it could go.

**Play Affection by BETWEEN FRIENDS**

Once the music started, the noise took over the whole room and my body shook as I let out the impending sob. I couldn't stop it or silence it, I almost screamed out in pain as the emotion ripped through me. It was impossible to keep still, my body thrashed around on the ground, as if the outburst was forcing my body away from its current position. This hurt more than Will.

This hurt more because I wasn't the one getting hurt in the end, Harry would be. He didn't deserve what I would do. He deserved someone who embraced his attention and cherished it instead of turning it away in shame. Perhaps our kiss was his way of trying to heal himself. Even though physically he wasn't hurt, I could tell that emotionally he was wrecked, because of what had happened to Clem in the past and what had happened to me.

Oh, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places. And we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces.

Breathe, Josephine.

I hadn't cried this much in years, usually I was able to contain the tears and dispel my hurt and anger in other ways. There were puddles forming on both sides of my cheeks, running inward and soaking the back of my neck. I felt weak, I felt gross and I felt disgusted in myself still.

I didn't deserve Harry.

You're saying what you want right to me. No filter on your mouth, we know you talk in your sleep.

He was always so honest and open with me and I couldn't even tell him I needed to go slow. I needed him so much it was terrifying. I needed his reassurance, I needed his consistency, I needed him.

But I needed to be able to be alone. It wouldn't be right of me to jump directly from Will to Harry. What would that say about me as a person? Emotionally, I had been single for almost a year now. But emotions meant nothing to society in regards to that kind of thing. Technically, Will and I had been broken up for 12 days and if I was willing to jump straight into Harry, what kind of message would that send him?

'Yes, I am perfectly fine moving into a new relationship in no time at all, feel special.'

Three knocks tapped lightly on the bedroom door, quiet enough to hardly hear over my music and sobs, yet loud enough to scare the shit out of me.

"Just a second." I choked, wiping my eyes violently.

The door clicked open anyway and the footsteps became louder as they rounded the bed to my position on the floor.

Clem.

"Hey, sweetie. Whatcha doin?" Clem was hesitant in her questioning, I could tell she had been sent in here.

"Just listening to my music. Thanks for checking in Clem, I'd better get back to it now."

Instead of getting the hint and heading out again, she joined me on the floor and laid on her back with arms crossed over her chest. She stayed quiet for some time, either waiting for me to say something or trying to think of words herself. I wished and begged that she wouldn't say anything, I didn't feel like explaining the previous night's events.

Just a little bit of affection, a little bit.
Just a little bit of affection, a little bit.

"Harry told me about last night."

Oh fucking hell. I didn't want to face her after I had made out with her brother and planned on leaving. She didn't sound angry or grossed out, if anything, she sounded sympathetic and understanding.

"The first time I ever kissed a guy after I left Patrick, I drank for a week straight afterwards. I felt so disgusted in myself that I would put myself back in a situation where I could get hurt. I didn't let myself get close to any other guy for quite some time after. Then I met a guy who understood that I was cautious, recognised my triggers and helped soothe my anxiety."

Adrian.

I stayed silent, not wanting to stop her from talking but at the same time, not wanting to show my interest.

"People like us, we connect differently. Our trauma makes our relationships progress at strange rates and that's ok." She turned her head to look at me.

"We're allowed to be scared. We're allowed to doubt those around us because time has shown that some people don't have the purest of intentions. Some of us weren't fed love on silver spoons, we had to lick it off of knives."

Then I lost it.

The tears I had worked so hard to stop and not show in front of another soul fell out of me in waves. I couldn't even recognise the emotions as they hit me one after the other. One that stood out the most was fear.

My tears had only ever been a sign of weakness. They had always been used against me and for that reason, they scared me more than anything else in the world.

"Shhh, let it out hun. Everyone needs a good cry once in a while." Clem's voice was hardly above a whisper as she extended one hand out to soothingly stroke my hair.

Laying here on the floor with her validating my feelings and not using them to hurt me, was the safest I had felt in a long time.