DSMP/OSMP/MCYT One Shots

Dysphoria |techno|

TW: major gender dysphoria, self h*rm
Context: Ftm it/its c!Techno. Basically me venting through fiction

At first, it thought it couldn't be trans. It didn't hate its gender, just its body.

It ignored the feeling of wrong whenever its hair was getting longer. It ignored the voice screaming chop it off whenever it looked in the mirror. It ignored all the signs and continued to drown in self hatred.

Techno (was that even its name?) had never felt so disgusting in its entire life.

The fat on its chest was awful, it never understood how people wanted breasts. Wearing sports bras and layering two to make its chest appear flatter didn't help. It knew the breasts were still there no matter how many baggy hoodies it put on to try and hide them. Even if others couldn't see, it would always know its chest was there.

The dysphoria only seemed to grow as time went on. The uncomfortable feeling of just being in this body and the way it couldn't even look at its own body in the shower. Every aspect about it screamed feminine and girl and that hurt so much.

Being called "she" and its dead name on a daily basis was bad and it made it feel sick inside. Techno wasn't exactly the perfect name, but it fit Techno better than its dead name did.

It wanted some guidance. Just something to push it in the right direction of feeling normal. No one else felt this way, so why did Techno?

Everything was so much more effort than the tasks needed to be. Techno laid in bed for hours, mindlessly staring at a wall and the thought of doing anything else was effort in its own.

It wanted to be more masculine. Not a boy, but just masculine. A strong jawline, fluffy short hair, a flat chest. Techno had been tempted many times to just cut the breasts off. Logically it knew that wouldn't work. Its brain just wanted some solution to this on going problem.

Techno wonders if it will ever get used to gender dysphoria. The dysphoria is always the same. The same feeling of wrong and the same causes. Techno thinks that perhaps eventually it will just be numb to the feeling. That's a hopeless dream because dysphoria is somehow something Techno can always feel.

It wants to be a guy. Not a male, not a man. Somewhere in between. On the edge on agender, tipping more towards the masculine side. Techno couldn't find a label that fit it yet. It wasn't even sure if a label would help. What it did know, was that it wasn't a girl and it never was.

It is ftm. It is not a girl it is not completely a boy. It doesn't want to worry about gender anymore. Even with dysphoria it doesn't want the added stress of labels. It is an it and that is it. It's just itself and no one can change that no matter how hard they try.

Even with constant misgendering, self doubt and intrusive thought. It was always be itself. For better or for worse.

The body it was given was not right for it. This body didn't have what Techno needed. This body didn't matter and Techno didn't care about it. The body could get new scars every day. The body could be more tired with each restless night and this body could rot for all it cares.

Surely that wasn't a healthy mindset, and Techno knew that. It wanted help. Even just a small voice of guidance guiding it to the light. That's all it asked for, yet the need was never met.

It would get the body it needs eventually or it would die trying. Whichever came first.

It was supposed to be the Blood God. Someone feared and powerful with voices that craved destruction. If someone were to see the Blood God now, all the person would see is disappointment.

People would see that no battle scars and injuries would ever hurt more than someone using the wrong pronoun. Someone so small, yet the small thing had such a big impact on itself and others in the world.

If someone were to genuinely look at the Blood God, they would see it's more afraid of itself than anything else.

BTW! Thank you for over 100 reads on this wow lmao that's pog /gen /pos