Art Book and Other Random Stuff

Why I Was Gone

Alright, since you guys wanna know what happened to me, I'll tell you.

Just a bit of a warning: I had trouble trying to come up with what to say, so I let my mind run. If I repeated anything, sorry. Also, this is a little long since context is needed.

And some content warnings: domestic abuse, self harm, self-starvation, rape/sexual assault

Guess it's time to start.

As some of you already know, I didn't grow up in a good household. My father was cruel and forced my mom to be mean as well.

Back in July 2020, we found out that my mom was pregnant with my baby sister. Before then, I was already thinking of ways to leave, but I never had a true incentive to act upon that. My younger siblings had me to protect them and I knew that I would endure anything and everything for them. In fact, I already made a deal with my father that he wouldn't lay a finger on them so long as he could do whatever he wanted with me.

After finding out my mom was pregnant, we worked together without my father or his friend, who was staying with us at the time, knowing that we were leaving, and in late July/early August, we left.

Obviously, I'm happy that we left. My family's lives are improving now that we're out of there and I've been allowed to loosen up a bit. But things are complicated.

I could've left so many times, but I didn't. One of the other reasons why I didn't actively try to leave was because my father wasn't always acting bad. There would be moments where I feel like I could see why my mom decided to marry him.

For example, he got me my violin, which he ended up breaking in the end, but that memory of getting it is still there, preserved behind a rose-tinted glass. Another example would be him going to my swim and track meets when I could go and cheering me on. I didn't have a lot of confidence and still don't to this day, so that meant a lot to me. I can still see the pride on his face when he told me I did a good job. It didn't help that for the longest time, I lived to see his approval of me and did so much to gain even a shred of it.

One thing about toxic/abusive relationships that people need to know is that oftentimes, if not all the time, there's those moments that convince you into thinking that this person can't be all that bad, and it's those moments that gaslight you into staying.

As much as I trash-talk him and berate him behind his back, I can't find it in myself to say that I hate him wholeheartedly. There's still a part of me that clings onto those precious moments.

When we found out my mom was pregnant, I knew that my father, he would abuse my baby sister and say that the promise was made before she was born, so therefore the promise doesn't apply to her. And I realized that my siblings and mom have suffered enough, being around him. It was time to end things.

As previously stated, my mom, siblings, and I managed to get out. I won't describe how in case my father somehow stumbles upon this page and recognizes me. It's unlikely that'll happen since he most likely doesn't know what Wattpad is, but better safe than sorry, right?

My mom and I, accompanied by my older sister and her girlfriend/roommate, went back to Arizona to take care of their divorce and other stuff and we got my father and his friend to agree that they would leave us alone and not do anything to track us come into contact with us in any way, shape, or form, whether it be through the actions of someone else or by other means.

It seems like a lot to agree to, considering the fact that my father is a controlling person, but we had the upper hand and here's why:

Back in July, my father invited his friend- we'll call him John- over to stay with us to "discipline" me. John made a deal with me, basically the same one my father made with me: I do whatever he wants and he won't hurt my younger siblings or my mom.