Wiped Clean

10. Not a monster

TW: mention of rape

***

Caia woke to the sound of Annika vomiting into the toilet. It was barely light outside. She looked at the time: 6am. She listened as the toilet flushed, as Annika rinsed out her mouth.

"Are you okay?" Caia asked as Annika entered the room.

There were tears streaming down Annika's cheeks. Her eyes were hollow, and when she looked at Caia, she looked straight through her. "Please go to your own room."

"Let me help," Caia said, and knew she meant it. The night before had changed something within her. Despite everything she knew about Annika, she was attracted to her on a physical and emotional level. She couldn't help it.

Annika closed her eyes. "You can't help." When she opened them, they were brimming with tears. "I'm so sorry."

"You didn't do anything—"

"Do you not even realise what I did to you?"

"What do you mean? We shared an amazing sexual experience. You gave me the best orgasm I've ever had in my life."

"It was something you didn't want until you were aroused!" Annika pressed her hands against her eyes. "Do you know what that means? I took advantage of you. I..." She pursed her lips and let the tears fall. "I raped you," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"That's not true," Caia said, shocked at such extreme words. "I wanted it. I gave you permission."

Annika shook her head. "Consent under duress is not consent."

"Then why did you take me if you weren't going to have sex with me?"

Annika sat on the edge of the bed. "I never meant for this to happen, but I'm weak. I'm so weak, and so lonely. And in the middle of the night I could justify it. I could tell myself you genuinely wanted it because you were turned on, therefore it had to be real. I believed my own lie that it would be okay."

"You accepted Dan's deal because you were lonely?"

"I accepted Dan's deal because I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting people. His deal was an easy way to avoid that." Annika looked into Caia's eyes, seeing her for the first time that morning. "And because when I looked at you I couldn't believe how beautiful you were. How... perfect. That you were the first person in a very long time that I had felt that way about. And I thought that maybe the pain in your eyes was so similar to my own. That maybe you'd be someone who understood me." She stood, and with her back turned said, "I let myself believe for a moment that you wanted me, when I know you don't. You've shown me enough times you don't." She wiped her eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Caia said. "Please come back to bed."

"No..." Annika didn't turn. "I won't be sharing a bed with you again. I can't trust myself around you. I'm sorry Caia. I promised you I wouldn't hurt you and I did."

"But you didn't." Caia sighed as Annika left the room.

Then her own tears fell. Tears of empathy and worry for Annika. Tears of frustration. She wasn't sure what to do. Not when her presence only seemed to cause Annika pain.

***

Caia had spent most of the day in the library trying to read. Annika didn't come get her for lunch, and hadn't spoken a single word to her since that morning. The day had trudged along, and Caia's mind was constantly on Annika. On what they had shared together the night before. And the shame Annika displayed as a result.