Wiped Clean

19. Say it again

Caia couldn't sleep. All she could think about was the way Annika had kissed her, and the fact it had been the most intense and terrifying thing she had ever done. She hadn't quite been prepared for it. She knew she had begun to develop feelings for Annika, but that kiss was on a whole other level. One that had crept up on her without her realising. It had been intimate. She had felt a connection.

It played permanently on her mind. It had shaken her to the core. Had left her feeling terrified and vulnerable. It had been the first time she had kissed someone and felt as though she could give them all of herself in that moment. She had wanted to let Annika in. But instead, she had run.

Unable to shake the feeling of Annika against her, Caia threw off the covers and went down the hall. She knocked three times, and waited. She heard Annika stir, but received no answer, so she knocked again.

"What is it?" Annika whispered as she opened the door. Her eyes were red and glassy.

"Can I come in?"

"Why?"

"Because I can't stop thinking about you, and—"

"Now isn't a good time." Annika stepped back and went to close the door.

"Wait," Caia said, placing her hand against it. "I'm sorry about earlier. Can we just... talk?"

"I'm not in the mood," Annika said. "If sex is what you're after, I'm not interested. You've got hands. Go deal with it yourself."

This version of Annika broke Caia's heart. This sad, distant version who refused to look into her eyes. Caia knew she was the cause. Knew that the moment she had run upstairs after their kiss, it had hurt Annika. Made her feel rejected.

"I'm sorry," Caia said. "For running away."

Annika stared at her. Her expression didn't change, she just stared. "It's fine. I know why you did."

"You do?"

"You felt how I reacted, and it scared you. I was too intense. Too intimate. It wasn't what you wanted."

"That's..." Caia shook her head. "That couldn't be further from the truth."

"Then what?"

"Can I come in? Please?"

Whether it was because Caia had worn her down, or perhaps because Annika was curious, she stepped aside, letting Caia into her bedroom.

Caia slipped beneath the covers when apprehension gripped her. She immediately regretted her decision. Regretted wanting to open up. But she knew that if she didn't, Annika would think she had manipulated her way into her room. She cared too much to do that to her.

Annika was watching her. Her dark eyes scanning Caia's face in worry. "Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable. We can just sleep."

"I want to... it's just hard." They laid there in silence, watching one another, until Caia's nerves calmed. "I've never had a proper relationship," she said. "Dan and I were together, but we weren't really. It wasn't exclusive and it was just sex. We didn't really spend much time together. He wanted more but I could barely stand to be around him unless I was high. Anything I've had with anyone before that has been the same. I've never felt any desire to be with someone. I've never been in love. I've barely even liked any of the people I've been with." What Caia had already shared felt like too much, and she hadn't even begun to explain things properly.

"So you're not used to kissing people?"

"No. I kissed them. But I never really felt much. But when you kissed me..." Caia sighed, remembering that moment. "It was the first time I've ever felt like I really connected with someone. And it terrified me. I ran because it was easier than admitting how I feel."