Wiped Clean

17. Volatile

Annika held her breath when she heard Caia's footsteps on the top of the stairs. She kept her back turned, too scared to watch her leave. Scared she would do something embarrassing in a desperate attempt to get her to stay. Instead, she continued cooking the scrambled eggs in the pan before her, her mind still on the night before.

But Caia didn't leave. She walked to the kitchen counter, pulled out a stool, and sat in silence. And because Annika cared more about Caia than she did herself, she placed her own breakfast of toast and eggs on a plate, before sliding it in front of Caia. She reached for a knife and fork, and poured a glass of water, placing them down on the counter as well.

Silence enveloped them. Annika was happy to wait.

Caia stared at her plate. "Thank you," she whispered.

With her back turned, Annika listened, paying keen attention to Caia's movements as she began eating. It was a start. She hadn't left. Hadn't brought her duffle bag down with her.

"I'm sorry," Caia said. "For last night. For everything. I didn't mean any of it."

Annika turned back to her, still silent.

"I still want this," Caia added. "If you... still want me."

Words failed to form in Annika's mind. She just stared at Caia.

"Right then," Caia said, placing her fork on her plate. "Maybe I should go."

"Don't go," Annika said. There was still a heavy weight in her gut. She felt sick just looking at Caia. Couldn't, without feeling heavy with shame. "I want to still be... friends with you. And to keep doing what we've been doing. I just need a bit of time before I'm able to touch you again. I feel sick at the thought of it... of touching you, sexually."

"Oh..."

"What happened last night had an impact on me too," Annika said. "Do you remember the things you said?"

"Not really."

"You begged me to stop hurting you. You apologised over and over, and begged me to..." Tears welled in Annika's eyes. "I feel sick thinking about it. It made me feel as though I was the one who had hurt you. Who had done awful things to you. I was responsible for making sure we were safe, and I failed you."

"I'm sorry," Caia said. "What can I do to help?"

Annika couldn't tear her gaze away from the counter between them. "Communicating would be a start." She pushed the plate closer to Caia. "Eat, and while you do, you're going to talk." Annika braced her hands against the counter, gripping the edge. "Am I right in assuming you were physically abused as a child? More than what you've already told me?"

Caia nodded. "A couple of my mum's boyfriends were like that."

A wave of nausea hit Annika. She had done this. Had triggered Caia's past trauma until she practically had a panic attack. "They used to smack you?"

"Yes," Caia whispered. "One of them would make me name a number when he thought I'd been naughty or broke a rule. There were a lot of rules. If I didn't estimate enough, he would double it." She frowned. "One of them used to just hit me without warning. He'd see me doing something wrong, grab my arms and then just whack me on the ass until I fell over."

Repeated smacking had been a form of punishment and abuse for Caia during childhood and she hadn't thought it relevant to tell Annika? To prepare her? Knowing she was going to spank her?

"You should have told me," Annika said. "I would never have done that with you if I had known."

"I know. I thought it would be fine because I wanted it. I've dealt with it. It's in my past."

"Those moments when things are intense... when we're vulnerable, can be the exact time things like this come up." Annika shook her head. "I should have talked to you about this first. I should have made sure you were prepared." She looked into Caia's eyes. "But you should have told me."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm going to need you to be patient with me while I figure out my own emotions about this. Can you do that?"

"Yes. Are you okay now?"

Annika blinked away her tears. "No. I feel sick with shame. I've vomited twice because of it. Once last night, once again this morning. I feel..." She shook her head. "I feel like a monster. I can't shake the feeling that I've done something absolutely horrific."

Caia made her way around the bench into the kitchen. "I'm so sorry." She placed her hand on Annika's arm. "Can I hold you?"

It was an effort not to flinch on contact. Annika steadied her breathing and nodded. With Caia in her arms, she felt an abundance of conflicting feelings. Guilt and shame coiled in her gut. But within those feelings was comfort. Love. She knew Caia was the only one who could help her heal.

"I'm so sorry," Caia said. "I had no idea this would happen."

"I know," Annika said, holding her tight.

"I don't want to lose you."

"It's okay. We'll be okay." Annika ran her fingers through Caia's hair. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Better. Mostly back to normal. I was so embarrassed last night... I'm sorry I said those things to you."

"I know."

Caia pulled back, searching the area. "Where's Hallie?"

"I sent her out with Christina for a few hours."

"Because you thought there'd be an argument?"

An argument was an understatement. Annika had been expecting an explosion. "I wasn't sure how this was going to play out. I had mostly expected it to be rather volatile."

"You'd expected me to be volatile."

"Yes. But if you had, I would have been no better."

"I'm so sorry," Caia said, holding Annika close.

"Are there any other triggers I need to know about?"

"Honestly... I don't know. I didn't put two and two together on this one. It's not something I think about, and the thought of you spanking me seemed so far from the shit that happened when I was a kid. I just didn't even consider it."

"Well," Annika said. "I think we just need to be more careful in future. And I'll be more prepared next time for any potential fallout."

"So... you think there will be a next time?"

Annika smiled. "Yes. Just give me some time. Can you do that?"

Caia nodded. "Of course." 

***

Hey friends. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. It's a short one but the last one was pretty big so it all balances out right? The next one is longer though! I'll either update tonight (in Australian time) or in the middle of the week. Of course, if anyone is eager for another chapter this weekend, then let me know. I'm very easily swayed.

Thanks to everyone who has read, voted, commented or followed me. It's good to know people are enjoying this story.