Emotional dumpster

I like birthdays but not mine

Its not like i dont like the fact that i was born, (I mean....thats not why i dont like my birthdays anyways) i think its just because i.. feel awkward celebrating it? Im grateful if my close friends wish me ofc and others but when people im not close with, like they tecgnically dont even remember my birthday, when they wish me im grateful but theres a part of me that dreads it. Why? Idk.

I think i like and dislike them at the same time. I like that people remember bit at the same time i feel awkward when they do. I dont want to celebrate it as a big event. I dont see why they would because i did not do anything to be born. I just cried and my mum pushed me out of the womb. I dont really understand why we celebrate birthdays as a big achievement but at the same time i do. I want to celebrate my friends birthdays because im glad theyre here another year. Maybe thats why they celebrate mine but at the same time...why? Idk. I look forward to and dread my burthdays at the same time. I try not to tell anyone because even to me this sounds utterly ridiculous but..i cant help it? Idk. I just dont really want to celebrate my burthday.

I think i actually do care about my birthday. Because even though i always never fully understood why we celebrated i liked the fact that they cared? But i think i started to not like birthdays starting when i turned idk...14? I hate that age of me. Anyways. I think its because that year my sister had a very nice celebration dinner. Like super nice. I liked it. My dad wanted it to be a celebration for both me AND my sister bcs our bdays are close. I hated that. I guess thats factor #1. My dad wanted it to be joined birthday, neither of us did bcs it wont feel special. And that date was her birthday not mine. I didnt feel special enough

Factor #2, her birthday went so well i expected the same for mine.

Factor #3, mine did not go as well as hers.

What happened? Basically  the restaurant that we were gonna go to for mine was closed..shut down apparently. So we went to another one and by then i already felt down. Cherry on the top? My mum told the waiters and stuff its my bday so they would sing me a song with the cake. I knew it was coming so i got happier. Then the restaurant got cold so basically half of my family went out. And i saw the waiters talking and looking at me waiting to ckme out and sing. Half of my family was outside. Because it was cold. I was there. Feeling crappy bcs i know they wont be inside when they sing. And it would be embarassing when they see a big table with plates finished and half the people not there. I felt like crying. So i went out too and said it was too cold. I also told them the real reason. I dont think they understood the impact it had on 14 year old me.

Favtor #4 this sounds so stupid but..i dodnt even get to eat my cake. They finished it the enxt day thinking i alr took some. I did not. Idk it felt like they didng care. I hated it. I still do. Im crying typing it. Fudge this