Letters To And From

March Anth:

Dearest Kade,

You cannot begin to understand how much it means to me to hear from you. And I get it you're okay. Haha but seriously sweet one I am so glad to hear it. You go on about how good I am when everything you say applies more to you.

Out here in the middle of nowhere it's like isolation.. like I'm quarantining from a disease and not taking care of my sick grandpa. I tell him stories about our summer though and he smiles warmly, more warmly than I've seen him look in the whole month I've been here. He tells me that you are just what I needed as much as I was just what you needed. Anthony, he says. You spend all your days looking after other people I'm glad you are letting Kade look after you.

Anth, never Anthony I tell him. That's too serious of a name for a boy that just wants to have fun. He then hits me with words that made me really think, mostly about you... how long has it been since you've been that boy that just wants to have fun?
The summer with Kade. I say.

And it's true Kade, you gave me this haven, this safe place to be a young person having fun. And I miss you everyday. I'm sorry my absence makes you cry sometimes.. you not being here with me has the same affect more than I would admit to anyone else. The first night I was here I cried my fucking eyes out Kade because I thought I was going to lose you.. but your letter tells me you aren't going to let me go either.

Also Elvis is the greatest I listen to him a lot too and it makes me think of you and how you saved me from the darkest parts of my soul and still wanted me.

I always think about those mornings that I got to wake up next to you. How you smelt and how your warmth made me feel safe and whole like no one else has ever done. I think of how your lips tasted and how soft they felt and how I would give anything to kiss you.. even just one more time. And I will make my way back to you I promise.. if it's the last thing I ever do. You are half of me Kade.

And I'm so proud of you, you've come so far from that scared soul on the window ledge who told me they just wanted to be normal or not be at all. But who wants to be normal when you can be Kade. Kade is all you need to be, as long as you are living out your true self I'll always be happy for you and there to support you.
I'm sorry it's through letters right now though.
I want more than anything to be by your side. Every minute of every day.

Grandpa is doing okay I guess, but he is merely a shadow of the man he was when I was growing up. He is confined to his bed.. the cancer is taking him physically at the moment and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope when it starts to take him mentally.. but I remember what you told me before I left.
Anth you said, you are strong enough to survive anything the world throws at you.
And I don't feel like I've ever believed that but the fact that I can hear your voice telling me that in my darkest moments tells me that because of you.. maybe I can believe that.

So thank you Kade, for everything. I'm glad you are okay. I'm okay too because I know you.
And we will get back to each other someday soon.. I promise. Because I will not let you slip out of my life.. not ever.

Love Always Anth
Xx