Letters To And From

Kade's Aftermath:

I couldn't say I felt good but it was good to know this wasn't a means to an end. He said he just needed some time and who was I not to give him that.
At least I could continue loving him and not feel bad about it.

"Are you okay?" Drew asked when I got off the phone.
All I could say was.
"I think so. He just needs time."
She nodded and took my hand in hers.
"Good because you two just make sense." I smiled at her through my tears.
"He's still my end game." I said to her. She smiled knowingly.
"I know he is."

My emotions were sort of everywhere but it felt good to say;
"I love him so much." And cry about it because Drew would never judge me for it. Instead she hugged me.
"I know sweetie, I know."

We're at her house and it's the afternoon so her mum and brother are coming home from work.  Well her brother Fin goes to school, he's in year   11 and does a program called VCAL which allows him to start start working while he finishes school.

Both of them give me the same sad smile when they see me. Taking turns to come over and give me a hug. So sweet.
"Thanks for having me back." I say to them both and Drew.

"Always Kade, you're always welcome here." Her mum says warmly as Fin comes to sit beside me at the bench. He brushes his dark hair back off his face. That still has flour on it from his day at the bakery. He has the same dark and tanned features as Drew.

"We still owe you one for not having to put up with her other asshole friends." Fin says playfully and Drew nudges him in the ribs. He pretends to be hurt then laughs it off.

Later I'm back in Drew's older sister Ainsley's room. She gave it to me when she left for college.
It's the first time I've been alone since I got back and I just feel hollow and empty. Thoughts come and go about Anthony. I silently hope he's okay. I think about us laying together all intertwined. And I can see his face clearly in my mind when I close my eyes.

"Okay you're moping so I'm going to tell you something that will make you smile. But it doesn't leave this room."
Drew breaks into my thoughts and im actually thankful so I indulge her.

"Okay then shoot." I say sitting up on the bed as she takes a seat beside me.

"It's Fin, he told me he has a crush on you." She smiles. My heart sinks.

"That's not good news, Drew. I don't want to hurt your brother.. he's sweet.. and I love.."

Drew shh's me. Taking me in a hug.
"Fin knows all of that. He told me he gets it. That he's okay just being there in the background for you to fall back on if you need him."

"That doesn't quite make it better, it just sort of proves how sweet he is. Ugh."
Silly sweet, uncomplicated Fin. "I wish you hadn't told me." I say frustratedly.

Drew frowns.
"Sorry Kade, I thought it would make you smile. Because you apparently still got it." Then she winks and makes me laugh. "There it is. That's all I wanted. A Kade smile and laugh."

I brush it off and say to her.
"You know I'm going to have to talk to Fin about this. I can't in good conscience let him be waiting in the background, waiting for me at all. You know that."

Drew frowns again.
"He's going to kill me for telling you but yeah I know. You are going to have let him down easy." She says.

I get up and walk down the hallway to Fin's room. Actually pretty mad that Drew told me. But I have to make this right? Though what is right about breaking a friends heart?

I knock on his door lightly. "It's open." He calls. I open the door and Fin's at his easel doing one of his crazy good water colour paintings that are hanging up in his room. He does animals mostly and the occasional landscape. He looks up and smiles when he sees me.
"Kade," he says. "To what do I owe the pleasure."

Okay could he not be too precious for this world right before I have to do this. Maybe I don't have to do this.. right now. Couldn't I just let him have his little crush. He's not hurting anyone.. except maybe himself if Drew says he is waiting for me. Fuck this is going to be like breaking Elmo's heart. Start slow. Chill Kade!

"Just wanted to see what you're working on." I say as casually as I can. He smiles and gestures me over to show me a fierce bear, splattered with rainbow colours almost like it's been caught in the crossfire of a paintball war.

"Wow Fin,  you're so talented! It's amazing!"
I say. And I mean it.. like who can paint like that!? But he catches my face in a serious expression.

"Okay Kade, what's the real reason you're here?" He says. As he packs up his paints, takes off his smock. And goes to wash his hands in this ensuite.

"It's nothing Fin, doesn't matter." I'm chickening out. I will not be the one that hurts him. Nope.

He comes back out. He gives me a raised eyebrow.
"You've said my name twice.. and when people say "it's nothing it doesn't matter." That usually means it does." He says and gestures for me to sit on his arm chair while he sits on his bed. Okay now I have to do this. Well shit.

"I don't want to hurt you." I say. He seems to feign confusion but I think he knows where I'm going. He shrugs.

"I'm a big boy, I can take it." But there's this subtle pain in his voice. "Drew told you, didn't she?" He says looking down at his hands. He picks at some dry paint off his hands. "I sorta knew she would."

"Hey," I say and take one of his hands in mine. He slowly looks up at me with his big sad brown eyes. And I feel like I'm going to be sick because he doesn't deserve this. "You know I adore you and think you are the sweetest human I have ever met right?"

He pulls his hand away gently.
"Don't flatter me Kade, I know you love Anthony. And I know you couldn't ever love me like that." And shit I made him cry. "But still I'll be another ear to listen, another shoulder to lean on. Whatever I can be, even if that means I'm in the background I'm okay with that." He says with a shrug that takes over his whole body.

"But I'm not okay with that. You deserve to be the hero of your own story. Not some back up character who is waiting in the wings for the main character. That's not you.. you are the star.."

one second I'm crying and rambling on and the next minute his kissing me and I'm not stopping him.

"I'm sorry." He pulls back. And I don't know what comes over me but I'm kissing him again.
His sweet face is over come by awe. And I'm not thinking I'm just reacting.

My mind finally catches up with me.
"I'm sorry. I.." I probably just hurt him more than I could have before. He doesn't say anything he is just sitting there with this look of complete awe on his face.

"Shit Fin, I.." there's really no words and there's a silence between us until he starts crying again and my heart breaks in two.

"Kade it's okay. This doesn't have to mean anything it's okay." And he really means that. Which makes this harder. Because that kiss did mean something to me. It was sweet and beautiful but I'm confused.

"It did mean something. I just have to work out exactly what. I'm sorry Fin. Will you give me some time to work it out?" I am asking way too much I know but he says;

"Yeah of course."