Letters To And From

The Morning After: Anth's POV:

Needless to say I woke up with a headache. But I woke up to Kade's soft green eyes watching me. Which was nice for about a second before I realised I had to properly break up with them and send them home. I mean back to Drew's she'd be happy to have them back at least.

"Hey." They said in a soft voice that made me ache. I took a few deep breaths I wasn't ready for this to end. Not just yet. So I said nothing and tried not to cry. But Kade, being Kade was onto me.

"Hey, it's okay." They said running their fingers through my hair. No I don't deserve this I'm going to have to do this now. I pushed their hand away. They look at me sadly.

"We are still breaking up." I say and it takes everything in me not to take it back when I see their sad face and the tears well up in their eyes.
"Why?" Kade says as they push back from me. "Do you want to hurt me or something?" And they let the tears flow.

"No Kade, quite the opposite. I want to stop hurting you." I say. And damn it now I'm crying too.

"You know that's not how this works right?" Kade says. Wiping their eyes with their sleeve. "Do you remember how hard it was to be away from each other last time?"

"Of course I do. But in the long run I'll be protecting you. Because I won't be able to hurt you anymore." I say. They sit up and I can feel the anger and hurt coming off them.

"That's all good and well but what about what I want, Anthony? What if I want to stay here and be with you." They say and it's passionate and admirable but I can't let that sway me. I'm sick of hurting them.

"You don't have a choice. When one person wants to break up.. you just do." I say as coldly as I can.

Kade bursts into another set of tears and storms out. I hear them talking to grandpa for a while.
"He wants me gone, what am I supposed to do?" I hear them say.
"He's just going through something, Kade. He doesn't mean what he says. You can sleep in the spare room for a while. Just please don't go."
Grandpa sounds so hurt and I feel guilty but I need Kade gone.
"I'm sorry Aristotle." They say.

I hear them leave. Kade didn't even take their stuff. But this is what I wanted.. I wanted them gone. It may be what I want but it still hurts like hell.

I go in to check on grandpa and he just glares at me. He's been crying. Man, it seems what ever I do I'm hurting someone. There's an uncomfortable silence between us until grandpa breaks it.

"I'm disappointed in you Anthony." He says his voice low. "Kade's good for you, and you know that."

"That doesn't mean I'm good for them." I say.
He takes a few deep breaths before saying.

"You're a fool if you believe that. Kade loves you, they get you! And most of all they want to be their for you. YOU makes Kade happy, But you pushed them away anyway." He raises his voice at me. He never does that. And he doesn't even wait for me to respond before he says.

"You're making the same mistake I made with Harry. I pushed him away too." The anger leaves and sadness is all that remains. "I couldn't sit with the fact that he loved me whatever I did, whatever way I messed up. He was still there by my side. I know it's not the same thing but I was messed up by my sexuality.. I would go out and kiss girls and sleep with them. But I felt nothing. He would get upset but never leave me. Said we were all still figuring out how to exist in a society that hated our very existence or some wholesome crap like that.. like do you not see how much like Kade that sounds?"

He pauses. But I just take in everything in that he is saying. I don't have any things to say yet.
So he keeps going.

"And you.. you are so much like me. And also like your own father." That breaks my silence.
I'm angry. How dare he?

"Don't you dare compare me to him." I snap.

"Then don't behave like him." He snaps back.
"Look all I'm saying is. I regret letting go of Harry and I don't want want you to regret letting go of Kade."

"It's not like I wanted to." I admit and a weight lifts off me. "I don't want to be this person around them."

"Then be better. Tell them you need to work on things." Grandpa says. "Don't end things."

He's right and I know it. So I go down to corner store almost immediately. And I call Kade. I don't expect them to answer but they do. Just before it's about to ring out.

"Anthony?" Their voice is quiet and pained. They've been crying. I know their voice that well. I feel horrible.

"Kade thank god." I say. "I don't want to break up. I just need time to get better. To be the person you need, the person you feel in love with." I say. Damn this day is emotional.

"I told you, I just want you. As you are." They say and though they are crying I can hear a small smile in their voice. And then they add.
"But if you need some space I'll give you that. Seriously Anthony whatever you need. I'll give it to you." Kade is so emotional and understanding how can a person who has so much darkness in their life still have this warmth in them.

"I can't put you through this. Just give me some time okay?" I say gently.
"Okay." They say. "Can we stay in contact though. Go back to writing?"
And I know I can't give them that.

"It has to be a clean break. I can't rely on you to make me feel better any more. I have to do that myself."

Kade starts crying harder but they say;
"Okay."
"But Kade?"
"Yeah Anth."
"I will always love you." I say and I'm crying as hard as he is.
"You idiot." They force a laugh. "I will love you until the day I die."