Letters To And From

May Kade:

Dearest Anth,

No, you don't always have to be strong. You are allowed to break, you are allowed to feel things, to feel everything or nothing at all. And no matter what you do, you'll always be enough for me and for this world.

I'm sorry if me telling you how good and strong you are is too much pressure.. I never meant it to be like that. I only want you to see that you are worth it and worthy of love.

So you have weak moments Anth, we all do. The weak moments are what make us human. I'd have been more surprised if you hadn't reacted to what your grandpa said.. it must have been so rough to cop that front on with no one there to back you up. But even if I'm far away think of it like this.. I'll always be with you in spirit.
And think of it this way.. you are recovering. You were tempted but you didn't touch the alcohol. Instead you did what you knew was the right thing, you called your sponsor and then you wrote to me. I really couldn't be more proud of you.

Don't ever hate yourself for falling off the wagon with me, I'll always be there to put you back on. And if I ever can't I'll find another way to help you. I can handle you at your worst. The more surprising thing is that you could handle me at mine.

When I was standing on that window ledge with every bit of pain I'd felt in my entire life I tried to push you away. Even though I didn't know you I tried to personally attack you but you didn't leave. You didn't let my defensive fire burn you away. Instead you took my hand and told me I wasn't unlovable, I wasn't broken or past saving. That I was young and had a whole life a head of me. And when I told you to fuck off you said I'm not leaving this ledge without you. You're just lucky I wasn't feeling homicidal. But I knew what you were doing.. you knew that deep down I didn't really want to die. I was just scared.

Why am I telling you this? My reason is two fold. One. You need to know that I'm going to stick by you just like you stuck by me that day. Even if you fall off the wagon from time to time.. it's part of recovery. Which brings me to my second reason. I too relapsed this month.

It had been a long day of school work and I was sat at a table with Drew who has since taken me under her wing. But it turns out her friends aren't so happy with her new found company. One of them, Georgia, confronts me while I'm sitting with Drew.  You are just a sad confused little boy wearing eyeliner. She says to me her words sting because they almost mirror my mum's but when I don't respond or give Georgia a reaction she keeps pressing me. You know you are going to hell right she presses god made you a boy you don't get to choose not to be. Your mother must be so ashamed of you, you're whole family must be. I heard that you'll be homeless soon.. I can make that happen all I have to do is tell my mum who will tell your mum that you're here at school wearing Drew's eyeliner like some freak.. and that's when Drew leaps up and punches Georgia in the face.

But the damage is done. I'm already running across the cafeteria to the abandoned girls bathroom by the drama building.
There's already tears streaming down my face. There's already people pointing at me or giving me shocked or concerned glances.. I can't tell through my haze of fear and tears.

I chose this stall because I know the window is broken and I know the drop out of it to the ground will kill me. But as I'm about to take a wobbly step out onto the window ledge. I realise I never locked the stall door. A hand catches my wrist. Kade what the fuck! Drew yells. Not at me. I think in an attempt to bring me too my senses.
I can't do this anymore Drew I say though I'm surprised I'm making words come out when my throat feels like it's closed over and I can barely breathe through my sobs.
I'm going to be homeless, I can't even be me without upsetting people and Anth.. He's miles away and I need him Drew.

Drew pulls me out of the stall and We stand in front of the mirror.
Look she says presenting me at the mirror. You are beautifully imperfect Kade. People will always try to drag you down no matter what you do. So you may as well kick ass and be the Kade you want to be! The Kade that you are! And that Kade, whatever Kade you want to be will always have a home, with me or with Anth. And if Anth is anything like you tell me he is, he'll be back for you the second he can.

I'm sorry Anth, I really am. Maybe I'm not okay as I thought I was. But I'm living with Drew now since her sister moved away to college. I wanted to run to you but i know I'm better where I can finish my final year of school.

Sorry that got so heavy but I just wanted you to know that your not alone. I too was tempted by the easy way out but neither of us took it. what I'm trying to say is Anth, baby, we are still here. Still alive and still breathing. We survived our darkest moments knowing that our other half was out there even if we couldn't reach them. But one day we will be able to reach each other and touch each other again and I don't know about you but that keeps me going.

I love you Anth.
With every fibre of my being.

Love Always, Kade
Xx