Letters To And From

Anth:

There's just something about the way Kade gets when they are writing. When they are creating something. It's like they're in the zone or something. Sometimes I just sit there and watch them. Just smiling.

"I like what Harry says here," Kade says putting the letter in front of me. I study the words with them. "I don't always know who I am, on my own, but when I think of myself with you it seems clearer and more simple. I just feel alive." I read the words aloud and they truly are beautiful. Goosebumps prickle my skin.

"I think that needs to be a direct quote." Kade says looking to both me and grandpa for conformation I guess.

Grandpa just nods. He's a little more drawn and in pain today but he still sits and listens to us working. His mood seems almost wistful from what the pain allows me to see. I find my self wishing I could take some of the pain away from him.. just even some of it. If I could.

I realise Kade is still waiting for a response from me. I shake away my hurt and say.
"It's perfect," they smile. "It sounds like something you said to me.. I think in your very first letter." I add and the memory allows a little light in.

"Harry," grandpa said suddenly and it's an all too familiar sounding tone. It's like when he started talking to me like I was my father. My whole body locks up and all I can think to do is try and usher Kade out of the room and shield them from this. But of course Kade doesn't get it and instead insists staying by my side.

"Harry, you have to convince them to stay here. I don't think I can handle you being that far away. Please.. there has to be something we can do! We could run away."
By now grandpa has hold of Kade's shoulders like he's saying it to them. I try to free Kade from the grasp but they gently push my hand away.

"It's okay." Kade says. And I don't know whether they're saying it to me or grandpa. But then Kade repeats Harry's words back to grandpa.
"I don't always know who I am, on my own, but when I think of myself with you it seems clearer and more simple. I just feel alive."

I'm unsure at first about what they are trying to do. But then grandpa relaxes his grip on Kade and falls back into his bed.

"I'm so sorry Kade, I'm so sorry Anth." His words are small and pained and after he says them he falls asleep almost instantly.

I don't realise I've started crying until Kade takes my hand and leads me out of the room.
"Hey," they say softly instructing me with their gestures to sit on the couch. They then sit beside me, first wiping my tears with their fingers and then wrapping their arms around me. "You're okay.." they whisper and start repeating as I realise too late that I've started hyperventilating.
Kade rubs my back in gentle circles.

"Maybe we shouldn't be doing this." I say to them.
"It's what he wants Anth, he told me the other day that he wants it to be his legacy. But if it's too much for you we can stop." They respond with that Kade compassion, it's like nothing else. It warms you from the inside out.

"Maybe we just take it a bit slower." I say.

They nod. And then on an instinct I lean in and I'm ready to full on make out with them right there on the couch and not stop there.
They let me peck their lips once and then when they realise where I'm going they put a hand gently on my chest.

"Anth, you are upset. I don't think this is a good time." I know they are right. I'm a little embarrassed so I move away but they are right so nod. "Don't think I don't want to, because I do. I just want it to be because we both want to and I want it to be special, not because we are sad."

Kade chooses their words so carefully and keeps their tone so calm that it doesn't make me feel bad about what I just tried to do. I think that was their intention. So I smile and say.
"I know." They smile at me. "That's what I want too, I just got carried away. Sorry."
"It's okay."
"It's really not." how are they so understanding?

"Maybe not but you let me say no. I didn't use your sadness for sex so I think we're okay." And then they laugh.
And like always it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Kade should never stop laughing. Maybe to breathe. But I could listen to them laugh on repeat for the rest of my life and I'd be damn happy with that.

"Touché." I say and laugh with them. I cuddle back into their side and they hold me there for what feels like hours. And it probably was, we both at some point fall asleep.

When I wake up Kade is in the kitchen, fixing dinner i presume. They look over at me and shrug me off when I start to get up to help.

"Nope. You've had rough day. Let me."
"It can't have been easy on you either." I try to argue.
They give me a frustrated look.
"Take the help, Anth, it won't kill you."
"It could." I laugh.
"Shut up idiot." They laugh.

"How's grandpa? You been up long?" I ask.

"He's fine, took a tea in there earlier. He's just resting." They respond.

"Thanks Kade, you're amazing." I say and I hop up to kiss their cheek as they cook. They smile and turn to kiss me on the lips and I sink into it .
I missed the way they taste.