Letters To And From

Kade's Bad Dream:

"I can't wait to see the stars from out here." Fin says taking a seat beside me in some of the greenest grass I've ever seen.
"It's a beautiful view." I say looking up at the most beautiful stars.. the clearest! The view is like we are in the middle of the country. I can feel the warmth of a summers night on my face.
"It is." Fin says but he's not looking at the sky, he's looking at me. He leans in like he is going to kiss me but as he does a huge helicopter flies above us. It's so low and loud and suddenly there are two bodies falling from the sky as the helicopter takes off out of sight faster than I've ever seen. Fin and I scream out as the bodies fall in-front of us.

Suddenly Fin is gone and it's just me with two dead bodies lying in-front of me.
When I look closer I scream again! It's Aristotle and Anthony.

I wake with a start. I have broken into a sweat. Like I'm drenched from head to toe.
"What the fuck was that dream?" I whisper to myself. And it's at that point that I realise sweat isn't all I'm drenched in. Fuck.
I strip the bed as have what is a bit of an embarrassed cry. Luckily I can wash them without waking everyone up. I head down stairs to the basement and put a load of washing on. And then head up stairs wrapped in a towel I found. Then I take a shower thinking of the dream I just had.

My stomachs aches thinking about it. I know what it means but I don't let my mind go too deep. Because I don't need to depress myself further to know what I have to do.

My mind drifts to Anth now. I haven't let myself go there in a long time. I see his smile in my mind, it's warm on his tanned face. His big brown eyes twinkle and his curls are so long in this vision that he has tied it all back into a bun. I miss him so much.

I get out of the shower and get dressed into shorts and t shirt. I re make the bed and flop back onto the bed while I wait for the washing to finish. My phone dings suddenly from the bedside table where I left it to charge last night.
I pick it up and I actually have missed calls and texts from Anth!! What?!

You must me sleeping. But I'll hang out here for a bit incase you wake up. I can't for long though.
Kade?
Kade?
It's grandpa. He's passed away.
He's dead.. the ambulance just took him and I didn't know who else to call.
Please wake up Kade.. please.

Before I can process anything I'm calling him.
He picks up after one ring.
"Kade, thank goodness. I was so worried you wouldn't call me or answer me. Forget everything I said. I need you."
There's that voice I love. It's broken up by sobs and it makes my heart ache. But I missed that voice so much.

"I'm here Anth, of course I would answer. I'm so sorry you had to go through it alone. I'm so sorry I.." I am crying now too. I didn't get to say goodbye to Aristotle and it's tearing me at the seams.

"Kade it's my fault, you could have been here but I.. I.. Pushed you away. Can you forgive me?" His breath is heavy and I know after what I've done I have to forgive him. I just have to. No matter how much it hurts that I didn't get to say goodbye.

"Of course I do, we both did and said some things we shouldn't have done. Out of anger or grief or loneliness. Anth I have to tell.."

"Whatever you think you have to apologise for, I forgive you. You picked up the phone Kade that's all I ever needed from you. It doesn't matter what what happened while we were a part. I will always love you." He says.

I'm not sure he'd forgive me for everything with Fin. So I stay quiet. Letting the grief wash over me. That dream was a little more relevant than I'd have hoped. I absentmindedly put the washing on the line juggling my phone between my shoulder and my face.

"Kade?" He says after I am quiet for a bit. "I don't care what you did I swear. There's nothing that you could have done that would make me not want you out here. So please! Please get on the next train and get here. I need you.. flaws and all." When he says flaws and all I can hear him smile.

"Alright I'll be out there as soon as I can." I say as I head back inside.
"I love you." He says. My heart warms in my chest.
"I love you more."
"Not possible."

...

Fin, I'm sorry. I have to go. Anth's grandpa passed away. And this has to be it for whatever this was. I'm so sorry for messing with your feelings. You don't deserve this at all. Even though you said you wanted the right here and right now.. I know this is going to hurt you and I will be sorry every day of my life for that. But I hope you find your end game. Im sorry I can't love you the same way you love me. But that doesn't mean I don't love and respect you. I hope we can still be friends. Take care, don't ever change. And always remember you are beautiful.
Kade x

Drew, sorry I won't be there when you wake up. Anth's grandpa passed away and I've gone off to be there for him. I don't know when I'll be back. But I love you and thank you for the best friend I could have asked for.
Kade xx

I stick the notes to their bedroom doors and head to the train station. My head clouded with grief for Aristotle, sadness for Fin and Drew. But a little bit of relief to be going to see Anth.
On the way there I openly cry on the train and I don't care about the funny looks I get, they mean nothing in the reality of everything I'm feeling right now.