Notes •muke•

::65:: TRIGGER WARNING

Luke.

I said my goodbyes.

To Ashton
I felt guilty thinking about him.
My feet dragged on the side walk as I grabbed my keys.

Opening the door, it a quiet.
No sound came through the house.
Michaels voice usually yelled my name from the bed where he lie down smiling.
Dragging me into a kiss.
I was drunk.

My body slung into a position on the couch holding a beer in my left hand.
Then slamming in into the counter I walked upstairs.
Almost falling I opened the door to the bathroom.

Michael was gone.
My head though.
Maybe he went out or something.
Maybe he hates you and left.
Maybe he's dead.
Maybe he killed himself because I'm a worthless idiotic faggot.
I looked down at a peice of paper.

The paper was well torn.
Well written.
Beautiful.
And even my drunk self knew that it was Michaels handwriting.

I rubbed my eyes to see the writing clearly and read.
As I read I cried.
One single tear fell from my eyes.

Then a flow of them.
It's true Michael hates you.
He saw you with ashton.
Now he's gone.
Good job screw up.

Thinking was hard.
But all I though was Michael is gone.
And so should i.

I walked into the kitchen where I hid michaels blades.
I knew that is what he was in there for.
I slowly sat onto the floor.
My head pounded.
a voice began talking to me.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed.
I grabbed my head.
"Leave me ALONE!" I yelled once more.
The voice told me, Michael doesn't even love you.
You cheated.
You mess up!
Couldn't you at least try to be a good boyfriend for once.

I sat there holding my head shaking it.
"Leave me ALONE PLEASE LEAVE" I Sccreamed at it.
"I don't need you to tell me what I already know!
I'm fat , I'm ugly, I'm most of all a screw up, and now for one thing mostly I'm single!"
I grabbed the blade and slid it across my wrist.
I winced each time.
Blood scaled up my arm.

I wanted to die.
And just let them know I'm gone now.
I grabbed it harder and slid it again up my wrist.

Michael was doing therapy for about two years for his legs.
He can walk again, but running is hard.
He can drive.

I slid it across my wrist a couple more times and shook.
Dropping the blade I cried, I let myself bleed.
I just bled out of the floor.
I felt the voices telling me " good job"
And things about Michael that I couldn't possibly make out.

I grabbed it one last time.
And slid it across my wrist.
Ten cuts flew across my wrist.
Blood dripped

I heard the door slam open.
"LUKE!" I heard.
It was Ashton.
Yelling for me.
I didn't open my eyes.
He grabbed my arm.
"Shit luke" he yelled.

He jumped into action.
"Luke please stay with me" he said.
My eyes focused of where michaels picture lie of us broken into peices on the floor.
Ashton wrapped my arm into paper towels.
He put tape around the paper towels and picked me up from the floor running upstairs to the bathroom where michaels note laid.
he ran water in the cuts but they kept bleeding.
After while he finally got them to stop bleeding.
He set on my bed.

He grabbed my hand.
"Luke I know this is because of michael" he says.
"I know michael left you".
His voice.
What he was saying caused me to cry
I didn't want to know this.
Michael leaving.

Ashton looked at my arm and climbed over me.
"He's not worth this" he says holding my hand tighter.
"But he is ashton" i replied.
The pain went up my arm.
"It's not as simple as ripping off a bandaid Ashton!" I yelled.

"Yes I know that luke, but it's not worth hurtin yourself" he says his voice shook.
I looked at him.

"Michael was my everything, I needed him to keep my ship sailing and he is gone because of my dumbass self! If I wouldn't have been out this wouldn't have happened!
Michael was that part of me who I need
To keep alive.
He was my heart, my soul, my everything and he wasn't a simple friend to say good bye to and just leave them" I yell getting up.

"You need to sit down " Ashton says.
"No I want to find michael" i say.

Ashton grabbed my arm that wasn't hurt and pulled me down grabbing my neck and kissed me.
I wanted to pull away.

He kissed me.
So gentle and nice.
The way he just kissed me was the nicest kiss I've ever felt.
But then there's michael.

His kisses feel like you kissing a baby bottom.
So soft.
And makes you feel so amazing.
Sometimes when is kiss him.
I'd feel like I was in heaven.

Ashton pulled away.
"What matter now luke is us"
I looked at him.
"Maybe to you"
I replied smacking him across the face running out of the room.

Michael Gordon Hemmings.
Was my main priority.
And he's all I cared about.