By My Side

Chapter 4 - Decisions

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~ Amina Gila

The sound of an engine draws Anakin's attention overhead, his gaze following the gunships flying past. Master Yoda is here; he can sense it. The last time he saw Yoda, it had been in the Council chambers. When – when Ahsoka walked away. And now... he turns, spotting Ahsoka sitting dejectedly on the edge of the platform.

Now. Now is when he has to make up his mind. He feels like he's frozen in place. Himself, or Ahsoka. It should be easy. He's done everything since the start of the war for her. Not for himself. Never for himself. But then he remembers her closeness with the 501st, all the battles they spent fighting side-by-side. How she saved so many of them. How could he deny her something like that?

As much as being beside her hurts, it feels right. It's filled – mostly – the emptiness he's feeling. But after he failed her, how can he possibly risk it again? He can't let her have the same fate. He can't fail her again, but he can't – he can't bear to lose her. He just lost her. He can't just let her go. Why? This is his failing. This is why he'll never be a proper Jedi, why he can't do anything right, not even once. He can't let her go.

He thinks about the kind of master Obi-Wan was, for a long moment, and wonders if he is really what Ahsoka needed during the war. Yes, he was, but then Anakin can't help but remember when Obi-Wan faked his death despite everything. Would he still do that? Of course, he would. Later. When Ahsoka needed him most. He can't – he can't let her go through what he did back then. And in all honesty, he doesn't know how Obi-Wan would treat her.

He remembers getting so frustrated when Obi-Wan never listened to him. He remembers how Ahsoka was frequently irritated with him for not listening to her, even though he followed her rash ideas nearly half the time. At least in part. He thinks of how demanding she was. Obi-Wan couldn't be the master she wants, but maybe he can be the one she needs.

This is wrong. Why does he have to be put in this situation? Regardless of what happens, they're all going to be hurt one way or another. This is wrong. It's like they were set up to fail. He can't train Ahsoka. He can't. But he can't let Obi-Wan train her either, can he? But maybe Obi-Wan could do it right, if Anakin told him what she needed – no, no, he wouldn't listen to anything Anakin told him, he should know this, but it's nice to wish – but he looks at Ahsoka again, seeing the dejected slump of her shoulders as she sits there alone. It's wrong. He shouldn't do this, but he can't – he can't see her walk away again. The very thought floods him with panic. He doesn't want to be alone like that ever again. And he will be if Obi-Wan has Ahsoka. She was the only person who was always there, who understood and supported him when he had no one else.

He's not strong enough. Why not? He can't even bear to let her go, even if it is to a much better life. He can't bear to be the cause of the hurt and rejection she would have if he turned her down. Why can't he just be like Obi-Wan even once? Be that level-headed and logical? Obi-Wan wouldn't have a problem with it. No, he didn't. "I did what I had to do –"

Maybe in a way he gets it now, but this is something entirely different. He can't train Ahsoka, but he can't not be around her either. He needs her; he can't let her go, not now.

Is he going to risk failing Ahsoka again, or is he going to reject her? Both will hurt her, and he can't bear the thought of causing her pain. What is he supposed to do? He can't even help train her. He has no idea where he went wrong, all he knows is that he did. Was it in the Force? Or the war? Or... his methods? Or his darkness and recklessness? Or his fighting? He has no idea. He can't train anyone ever again. He'll do it wrong, and he'll lose them, and the Council won't trust them because they don't trust him. He can't let her go, though, and he can't...