By My Side

Chapter 23 - Ahsoka

Author's Note: I honestly think the only warning I can put on here to cover everything in it is a This Is Mostly Anakin's POV, and FYI he's a seriously screwed up child who's seen people blown up since he was a baby. ;~~; And no one thought anything was traumatic about that.

~ Rivana Rita

It's been a few weeks since the Council heard what happened, since everything, since Echo, Fives, and Hevy joined the 501st. It's been close to three months since Christophsis, and maybe it's just Anakin, but he could swear events are proceeding faster than he remembers from before.

Ahsoka was supposed to be with Obi-Wan right now – that is, until his master called him over because something about an emergency with Ahsoka that he was dumping on Anakin to deal with because he didn't know how to deal with it himself.

Anakin knew right from the start something was majorly wrong when Obi-Wan called him, but this is like nothing he's seen before. She's obviously very upset about something, but it's not seeing the extreme violence on the battlefield, at least not entirely. She throws herself into his arms the moment she realizes he's there, shaking uncontrollably.

"What happened?" he asks.

"The mission – we were supposed to arrest someone," she says, voice muffled, "It went bad. It went very bad. There was too many – and I... I lashed out and then, they were just dead, and I know I did that. And Master Kenobi – it – I don't know, there was so much blood and –"

His heart clenches painfully as he remembers. Ahsoka had always had a hard time with this. Anakin did himself, but he was so accustomed to death, it never phased him the same way it did her. "Breathe, Ahsoka," he instructs, holding her tightly. "Just breathe, okay?"

She nods against him, shuddering, and he just holds her, desperately wishing he knew what to do. He has no idea. It's not something Jedi are trained in. They become accustomed to it as they grow up, and it has never phased Anakin. Nothing could be worse than what he's seen on Tatooine. Rarely has he seen anything he could even compare with it.

"I did my duty, so why does it hurt?" Ahsoka asks shakily, sniffing.

"It's a Jedi's duty to put aside their own feelings for the benefit of others," Anakin tries explaining, "In the future, I had to let go of everything, even you, to... do what I had to."

"How would that have been a problem with you?"

She has no idea. "I have always struggled with letting go, Ahsoka. You may not have seen it yet, but I... have. Every time I think of you, I remember her, and I know I will never see her again."

"Sorry," she mumbles.

"It's nothing you can help," he reassures her instantly. Being around her makes him feel better and worse at once. He's not what she needs, but he's here, so he has to do his best. As if that's ever been enough? "Was that everything?"

She's pulled back from him enough that he can see her face, and she shudders slightly, expression scrunching. "He cut someone's arm off," she says flatly. "It was... horrible."

Anakin catches the how did that upset you before it comes out, though he is genuinely confused. Obi-Wan does that literally all the time. It's how he fights, and yes, it is horrible, but Anakin has seen people blown up in front of him since he was three – at least he thinks that was the first time, but he could be wrong, so it's really nothing. Not in the scheme of things.

He broke both his legs in his second last podrace when he was nine. He still remembers his mother's horrified look, and he had almost wanted to cry but he smiled instead, because it wasn't that bad, and it could've been worse, and it always felt so thrilling. That was what mattered most back then, as a child, before he could fully understand – feeling free and in control of something, if only for a few moments. Sidious reminded him of that. It's true even now.