Pandas Bamboo •A Rant Book•

my thoughts rn-

Sometimes its better to smile through the pain and tears. Because nobody these days cares enough to make sure its a real smile and as long as you seem happy they will leave you alone.

Seeing my brother break down broke me. Knowing my dad is crying because he can't see his family kills me.

I hate thinking my family is broken, but it really is.

Seeing and hearing the two toughest people I know cry breaks my heartcaisr its always them that is happy.

Its always them that I claim to never notice me, but I've learned that people show their love in different ways.

I want to talk to my brother, and tell him how I feel, I want that kind of relationship with him, but he doesn't want to.

And I don't know what to do. It sucks because I feel like I can't go to anyone anymore cause my "friends" are always busy, my mom is going through a hard time and I don't want to dump my problems o top of hers, my brother and dad don't foot hat kind of stuff, and I don't like talking to my counselor because I barely I know the woman.

And everyone keeps saying it gets better, and it'll be okay, but it doesn't! It only gets worse and its not okay!

I keep all this shit bottled up and I only hurt myself more and more by it.

People say I listen to music to much, but the lyrics in the music I listen to, are the words I lack of saying 90% of the time.

I just smile like its all okay, but in reality I feel like my world is crashing down and falling apart.

I just done know what to do anymore.

I'm sick of saying I'm fine and it doesn't bother me, even tho it does and nothing is fine. I'm tired of being the bubbly person that everyone sees me as. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile like I'm alright with everything going on. I can't fake another smile, and I can't fake I'm alright anymore.