𝙑𝙞𝙗𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙉'𝙃𝙤𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙣

Chapter 𝙀𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩

Enez Lyons
Third Day of School
8:09 a.m.

Dynera and I snake through crowds of kids to get to a bathroom where eventually we'll hide out and I'll spill my guts to her yet again.

We close the stall door then wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Once everybody's stopped coming in for their last minute poops and tampon swaps, Die turns to me.

"Why?"

Her question could be responded to with a magnitude of answers, but I know what she means.

She only means well.

I lean against the stall door, willing my eyes not to start tearing up again. "I've been Mama, Papa, and Big Sister all my life. I been grinding for Eda and it's like nobody sees that side of Enez. They see the Enez that they think is gonna turn out like my mom and pops. They see the Enez that screams thug. They see what they wanna see," I say.

"You can only be who you believe you are. You can only do what you can believe you can do, Enez," Die says slowly. "Why would anyone think you're a thug though?" she then asks.

I could have lied and said because of racial stereotypes. I could have lied and said "Just because they do", but I decided to tell the truth. I don't owe Die the sugarcoated version of my life- only Eda gets that. I only want to protect my sister. Not hurt her.

"From time to time I," I bring my hands up to my mouth and mimicking smoking, "and make some money off of it."

"They pay you to," Die mimicked my motion, "and you get money for that?"

"No, they pay me to sell it," I say barely above a whisper. Die's eyes widened. "Only from time to time. It was my thing back in Baltimore but obviously I've fell off since moving to Houston. The dude hasn't contacted me to come back on, and I'm obviously not gonna be the one calling asking to do it."

"Enez," Dynera says slowly, searching my face.

I look away because I could feel her judgment seeping it's way into my skin. "Stop judging me. Please," I whisper.

I'm begging her.

"I'm not judging you, Enez. I'm trying to understand you," she whispers. I look up and Dynera grabs my face, smashing her lips against mine as our feelings intertwine. Her tongue circles around mine as she leans against me, my back to the stall wall. Her leg hitched up a bit, and with my free hand, I lift her against me.

I take my hand off of her face and stop cupping her cheek, using both of my hands to lift her up as I kiss her with no hands. We slurp on one another for another minute, then Die gets down and backs away. She's not blushing, just staring at the ground hard. I still feel numb and sad inside. I know that if this had occurred under different circumstances my heart would be pounding and racing. I'd feel like the king of the world. But today is different.

Each day always is.

"I- I have to go."

"Figured that," I whisper lowly, watching her leave the stall. I take in a very deep, shaky breath, then I leave the bathroom too. I walk at a regular pace to my English III class. I stuff my hands into my cool jeans and try to muster up enough energy to pretend I'm okay.

I can't.

I walk into Mr. Waltrip's class probably thirty minutes late, giving him a nod as I sit down and stare off into space. Fifteen minutes later, he's at my desk asking if I had a pass and what took me so long. Normally I'd go all hothead on somebody and tell him to get out of my face. But today I'm gone.

My mind is elsewhere.

I look over at him. My eyes empty, my heart the Saharan desert. Just my face seems to shut him up. Do I look like I'm in that much pain? "I'll come back and explain the assignment," he says, heading back to his desk.

I watch him go, my movements slow, my mind willing me to disassociate. "You okay?" a girl next to me asks. She's average with everything about her except her pretty, short lashes. They're curly but they flare up in the right place, making her brown eyes look even more beautiful.

"No," I whisper, then look away.

Dynera (Die) Ericks
Algebra 2
8:39 a.m.

I can't believe Enez and I kissed.

I mean, who can I tell this to? I feel like Enez is one of the niggas now, it wouldn't feel right to gush over the kiss or be sad about it (I still didn't know how I feel about things) with Londynn or Nina. Shit, it's in moments like this when I realize I should at least have more associates, if not friends.

I sit at my desk, filling out a form for my extreme tardy. I'll probably get detention if the people down at the office are doing their jobs. Hopefully not. I hand it to the teacher briskly, then go back to my pondering.

Enez sounds like bad news. I'm not judging her, I'm just considering my heart and my well-being. I'm not no pussy ass nigga, I can handle some illegal shit. But Enez is going through Hell and back. Deadbeat ass parents, gang after her from Baltimore, delinquent teenage sister, she sells dat stuff, and I have a crush on her.

Okay, I've admitted I have a crush on her.

That hurdle is out of the way. But now what do I do about that? After that amazing but confusing kiss, the hurdle of Enez being a stud is out of the way. Alright, so shit isn't that much different when you're stud on stud versus fem on stud. But now I need to think long and hard about my life. My future.

If I get caught up with Enez and shit turns even more South than it already is- or rather, shit really hits the fan and fucking breaks it- would I be willing to ride by Enez's side? Because I don't want to mislead myself nor her. If I'm not real, ion even want to chance shit.

The bell rings for the end of class and I gather my mechanical pencil and common sense to see if I can catch Enez before she heads to her next class. Or at her next class. I check the group chat all the way back to when she was listing her classes. Fortunately for me, I know where a lot of things are and I've been at this school for awhile.

I find Enez's Spanish II class, then wait for her. Enez appears, still wearing that same broken look. She spots me, and looks unsure of what to do for a moment. She stands in front of me, apparently waiting for me to say something.

What does she want me to say?

Does she want me to fucking propose to her? To tell her I accept her for who she is, even though she's in some pretty deep shit? To tell her that she won't turn out like her old folks and to stop listening to haters?

What does one say in a situation like this?

"I don't know what to say."

Enez gives me a weak chuckle, glancing inside at her teacher and nodding her head. I'm probably going to be late for third period, and I don't know if they're still pardoning kids who're trying to find their way around or if they're starting to hand out tardies yet. Judging by the paper my Algebra 2 teacher gave me, I'm reallyyy thinking it's the latter.

"You don't have to say nothing," she whispers. "At the end of the day nobody can be me, and I can't truly be nobody else. No one relate to me, no one will understand me. No one has my experiences like I've had them," she says. Her stance is a bit wobbly, her eyes are red. I can't tell if she's high or just out of there mentally.

"I'll deal with shit on my own, it's fine, Dynera." She turns to go into the classroom, then looks back at me. "I'm sorry for kissing you...if that's what you were upset about...or, wanted to hear. I actually liked it," the last part she says softly as she goes to find a seat.

I watch Enez move into the classroom, my heart beating slowly as I wonder what the Hell I'm going to decide.