Enough For You || Spencer Reid

fifteen*

(TW: suicidal thoughts + attempt, hospital room mention, silence, encourage of suicide.)

IF YOU HAVE EVER FELT SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE OR TEMPTED WITH THESE I ENCOURAGE YOU NOT TO READ!! PLEASE!! YOUR HEALTH IS IMPORTANT AND IT IS NOT WORTH IT FOR A STORY

before i start this short chapter, i would like to put this out there. these are my thoughts, so please do not make fun of christian in any way in the comments because this is exactly how i felt.

please contact the suicide hotline if you need to talk to somebody, i'm always here for support if needed.

░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░

"People act like they're going to wake up one day and their lives will suddenly be awesome, he'd written her. It's just a lie they tell themselves to get through the torture. Fact: your teenage years are the best years of your life. It doesn't get any better. So if it's not awesome now, you're pretty much f*****."

"I never thought about it like that, Madison replied. But I guess it makes sense. I don't wanna be miserable for another sixty years."

"Of course not, Gruber wrote. It's always better to go out with a bang than fade away with a whimper, right? Why not be remembered for something?"

"So what? Madison wrote. "What are you going to be remembered for?"

"I just want to show them the truth, Gruber told her. I want to show them it's better to get out of this life on your own terms. Free yourself from this unhappiness."

░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░

░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░

CHRISTIAN HAD NO IDEA what he was feeling. He left him. Christian wanted to move on. Wanted to buy another person flowers, wanted to hold somebody other than himself. But the house was silent.

Christian wanted to feel, and so he did. He felt as the blood flowed down his arm in small quantities until he had finally given up on being careful. Christian had moved on. He was meant to be happy now. He had Luke, but he couldn't love him.

Christian couldn't feel anything but the pleasure and pain of knowing one day, he'll leave this earth, and he wanted it to be on his own terms.

To anybody who cares,

I certainly don't. I apologize, but I cannot live knowing I am incapable of doing the one thing I dreamed of as a child. Finding somebody I love, who could love me back.

Blood was dripping down his arm as he wrote, a splotch even landing on the paper, but Christian's mind was preoccupied with the thought of finally finishing what he started.

"New love is the best cure for old love gone bad." - Atticus.

Life is all a lie. Love cannot save you, just like you cannot save yourself. I ended my torture, will you end yours? What do you truly have to live for?

If somebody other than Luke is reading this, tell him I'm sorry. I was never enough for you Luke, and you deserve better. Somebody who can love you for the amazing guy you are. Someone who is capable of loving someone other than the boy who shattered their heart and took the pieces with him.

Tell my parents I'm sorry. Delainey. Oh, Delainey. Tell her not to mourn me. For even if I have to die a million times over, I would do it for her. She deserves happiness. The one thing I could never have, after him.

I would say to bury my body with the pieces of the heart the boy shattered, but he keeps them in a jar locked away. A jar once filled with sweet memories, and laughter. Now filled with death so dark I sometimes wish to not die. God has gotten what he wanted. I've gone crazy. I believed I could finally care. I cannot. I feel numb. The only way to end this numbness is through pain, and finally, after that pain, maybe there will be a numbness that I cannot feel. For I will not be here to feel it.

June Danielson is my mother in all but blood. Two mothers will be losing their son today, and only one will care. I wish the one who cares the best, and I wish the other an eternity spent in hell for the hell she put me through herself. Call it a dying wish.

I'd say I'm sorry again, but I'm really not.

Regards,
The Disappointment, Christian Walker

░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░

The sound of beeping filled a silent hospital room. Christian always hated silence. It was rather boring, but he would rather listen to silence than know the fact that his heart was still beating.

His head was burning, and he wanted it to stop. He wanted his heart to stop.

Delainey had been in, she had been crying for about an hour before a nurse escorted her out. Christian had just stared at her with a blank look.

Why should he be concerned about other people's sentiments when he couldn't even feel empathy for his sister?

Christian Walker was numb.

Marie Delcourt was the only reason Christian Walker was alive.

Soon, he would thank her, but for now, he felt anger.

░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░—░

this chapter is all over the place, really wanted to showcase how crazy it is in his brain, sort of. this isn't all of it i just wanted you guys to understand that christian has deep-rooted problems and what these problems are going to lead to after marie's death the other chapter.

christian and spencer will be having a talk in the upcoming chapters, just haven't decided if i want it to be a good or bad talk yet.

i already have the ending planned out, and i'd say it's a happy ending, and it's an open ending, so you can imagine what you want, but remember, the whole point of this book revolves around the healing of a man who has been broken enough times to feel numb.

so i'd say it's a happy ending for christian.

maybe spencer.