snapchat | billie eilish

chapter 10

"billie," i was actually speechless for the first time in forever, my heart beating like crazy in my chest. "hi.." her voice rang through, shaking out of nervousness.

"you really don't wanna be with me." i breathed out and she chuckled right back at me. "you can't tell me what i wanna do, delly. you are so beautiful, patient and sweet. every single time we talk on the phone my heart be going crazy like im a bitch or something,"

it was me who laughed this time. "just gimme a chance." she damn near whispered and i just stayed quiet, my mind racing like crazy.

she's just using you, della. once she knows who you really are she's gonna leave you. who wants to date a broken drug dealer? you've been raped, beaten and almost sold, you don't deserve love. it's just not in the cards for you.

"delly, mama talk to me." she broke me out of her thoughts and i sighed. "i don't know.."

"you don't know? that's alright, let me convince you." she said and my cheeks started to heat up. "when does a new semester start?" she asked and i tried to remember.

"six months, i already put my application in for ucla." i said and she gasped. "deadass?"

"yeah, dummy." i picked nervously at my bedsheets, feeling my cheeks start to hurt from how hard im smiling. "well imma see you before that so it doesn't matter." she said.

"oh yeah? when?" i asked, not believing her. "two months?" she suggested and i rolled my eyes, obviously not believing her. "we'll see, grass head."

"damn you got trust issues.." she breathed out and i busted out laughing. "im telling you im alot to handle."

"and im gonna handle it shut up. hey, you wanna know sum?" she asked. "you know i have tourettes? and at night i get really bad tic attacks and my brother is always at my house because i hurt myself when they happen..."

"how do you hurt yourself?"

"i dig my fingers into my palms, thighs. i hit myself with my phone by accident or bite on my lips. i grind my teeth. i have really fucked up ankles from stomping on the ground really hard and falling down the steps during an attack." she said and my heart swelled.

"that sounds like a lot, im sorry." i said and she sighed slightly. "i said all that to say that there's nothing i can't handle. im actually tryna handle all of you." she said playfully and i laughed.

"shut uppp. but thank you for actually liking me." i said and she laughed again. "i have a meeting tomorrow so i gotta sleep but i sent you some stuff, it should be here by this weekend maybe."

"thank you, i hope your meeting goes good. text me."

"okay, bye beautiful."

"bye, stupid." i ended the call, smiling my ass off. i really don't mean to be so standoffish i really just can't trust her. i want to so bad. when i talk to her i just want all my problems to melt away. i wanna be able to talk about the crazy shit that be going on in my bootleg ass life.

but i can't.

im not stupid enough.