Lonely Hearts

Chapter ten: Emma

Max is crying.

She does that sometimes, and I never know what to do. Lincoln used to be the best at making her stop. He would tell jokes and pull silly faces until she started giggling. Me? I just stood there helplessly handing her tissue after tissue as she sobbed.

"What's the matter?" I asked, trying to disguise the irritation lacing my voice.

She said nothing, sniffling quietly and I counted to ten, calming down.

"Come here." I held out my arms and she snuggled into me, I stroked her hair absently, whispering all the things I needed to say.

Mum and Lincoln were always so much better at this than me. They could make her smile in a way that I just couldn't. The pair were so similar. Both so capable, confident, bold.

Sometimes I wished I could fade into the background. Pretend none of this mattered and quietly do my own thing away from everyone else. But my sister was always there to remind me that I had someone who needed me. That I wasn't alone.

I loved her for that. I should tell her that more often. Maybe then she wouldn't cry so much.

~*~

"I want to call the children's home." I said, walking into the kitchen where Amelié was cooking.

"Pourquoi?" She asked, looking up from the boeuf bourguignon she was stirring.

"I would like to speak to my brother." I explained, calmly. Remembering to be calm and rational about all this. "I think it would be good for me. And for Max."

"How is Max?" She asked.

"She's calmed down now." I said. "She just needed a bit of time."

She nodded, stirring the pot and thinking over my request.

"So can I?" I asked, suddenly, inexplicably nervous.

She smiled. "Of course you can. Should we call the home after dinner? It's nearly ready."

"Merci, Maman, merci."

In my joy and relief, I hugged her and she laughed once, surprised, before wrapping her arms around me and squeezing me back.

It had been a long time since I had been held like that by anyone. My eyes started to itch and I backed away, still smiling.

"Would you like to help?" She asked, hopefully. "I'd love to spend more time together, Emma."

I gave a silent sigh, blinked away tears, smiled, and looked back up again. I'd been living here for two years now, and I was ashamed to say I hadn't spent as much time with Amelié as I should. It was my fault, not hers, but it was time to rectify that.

"Yeah. That would be great." I said, giving a smile that, despite my best efforts, was only half-sincere.

She gave me a genuine one and my heart tugged at the sight of it even as I smiled harder, feeling as though my face would crack.

"Je t'aime. You know that, right?" She whispered.

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat at her words. She had first said them to me six months ago, shortly after she suggested adopting us, and the words had never felt natural to say back.

"Je t'aime." I said, trying to make the words sit right on my tongue but no matter how often I tried, they were clunky and unfamiliar. A phrase I had heard so little and felt even less in fourteen years. 

The only person who had ever made that saying natural was long gone. And no amount of care and love would ever change that. I felt bad that I couldn't say it, couldn't even feel it. Especially when I saw the love in her eyes.

As much as I tried, I couldn't feel a thing. And that, more than anything else, scared me the most.

~*~

Later I cuddled up with my sister so she could listen to the phone ring.

"Will we get to see Linc?" She asked, eagerly, practically bouncing up and down.

"Probably not, Max. But we can talk to him." I said, stroking her hair. "We just need to see if the lady will let us."

"Why wouldn't she?" Max asked.

"I don't know." I whispered. "Sometimes they don't."

"Hi, McCarthy Children's Home." A chirpy voice said from the other end. "Sophie speaking, how may I help you?"

"Hi, it's Emma Johnson, I would like to speak to Lincoln Johnson please." I said, my heart suddenly beating fast, this was the first time we had spoken to him in months. Maybe even years.

"Johnson? Lincoln's sister?" She asked. 

Something about the way she said Lincoln's name - as if it was well-known, well-loved - made me smile wistfully. He had a whole life we didn't even know about. Who knows, maybe that would change.

"Yes." I replied, my throat hurting from the hope pushing up with every word. 

 "I'll see if I can pass on a message." She said, kindly. "Hold on, darling."

The line was quiet for a long time. So long, I thought they had forgotten about us. It wouldn't be the first time. I was just starting to wonder if we should call back when the phone rang, startling both of us.

Stroking Max's hair, I answered it and propped the phone against my ear.

"Sorry...Emma, isn't it? We will have to call you back later, Lincoln is currently unavailable right now, we will take your number and notify you as soon as possible, alright?"

Was I being paranoid or was there a note of... panic in her tone? What was going on? What did they mean Lincoln was "currently unavailable"?

"Is he alright?" I asked, anxiety creeping into my voice.

"I will ring you back as soon as I have more information." She said, not answering my question. "Leave me with a number you would like me to contact you on and I'll ring you back as soon as possible, alright?"

"Of course." I said, I recited my number to her numbly whilst I thought about what had happened. We were so close. So close and yet something was still stopping us.

"Currently unavailable" that should be written on my brother's gravestone. Disappointment after disappointment. I couldn't do this anymore. He had made promises. So many promises. And he was never going to keep any of them. He couldn't even be bothered to answer the phone.

Well, if I had ever still harboured silly beliefs that he cared for us and would come for us like a knight in shining armour it was gone now. Without so much as another word to the receptionist or whoever she was, I slammed the phone down in frustration.

My sister jumped and looked up at me, blinking at me with those big blue eyes. I allowed myself to drown in them, realising that she was all I had left. Mummy was gone, and now Lincoln. I'd spent my entire life listening to their promises and they had always let me down. From now on, I made a promise to myself. I wouldn't ever let Max down. She needed me and I needed her. It was just the two of us now. Just me and Max against the world.

And nothing had ever felt so frightening before.