Lonely Hearts

Chapter twenty-four: Emma

I'm constantly waiting on an answer.

My whole life has been one big question: what happens next? Because when you're a foster kid, you're constantly waiting for the next disappointment.

So as we walked back home, I couldn't help but dwell on Lincoln's message. No matter how much I told myself it was no use.

What was going to happen now? What does he want? Does he want to see us? Be a family? Live out the fantasy I had in my head?

What if it really isn't a trick? What happens next? We believe in him again? For how long was he willing to play happy families?

Let me know where you are.

Why? So you can let us down again? So you can make promises only to disappear and leave us wondering what happens next?

I didn't trust him. Shouldn't trust him. But I wanted to all the same. When he said everything would be ok, I wanted to pretend to be five again and believe him.

As we walked up the drive, Louis opened the door and smiled.

"Bonjour, Mes Chéris." He said, tousling Max's hair. "Did you have a nice time?"

She nodded and followed him into the house, telling him what we had been doing all afternoon. I trailed behind, allowing myself to fade into the background like I've always done.

Amelié looked up at me and smiled. I found myself smiling back before I even realised what I was doing.

Strange how normal this place was finally starting to seem. It was beginning to feel familiar. Safe. It almost felt like...home.

The smile dropped from my face and I ran upstairs, throwing myself on my bed and pulling out one of the only pictures I had of my family. Tracing our smiles and trying to remember who we used to be.

I was scared. I'll admit it. Every time I settled into a routine, something happened to upset it. Despite what Louis said about this home being permanent, a part of me was still waiting to be let down again. And letting my guard down was only going to lead to disappointment.

I was approaching this new life carefully; slowly, cautiously beginning to trust it. But a part of me was still holding back. I was still checking over my shoulder for something to come and knock me off of my feet again.

When your life has been one long continuous disappointment, it was hard to live any other way.

~*~

I sat in front of my computer, writing and trying to ignore the message in my inbox. No good could come of answering it. All it was going to do was open up scars that were finally beginning to heal.

Nevertheless, I found myself on the page, looking at his message.

Trust me. He said.

I love you. He said.

I won't let you down. He said.

I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him not to let me down again. The way he always had. But I did love him. I had always loved him, regardless of his mistakes.

Would that be enough? Was that worth all the pain this was going to cause? Was he worth it?

He's family. Family is always worth it.

After all, it wasn't like I had a lot of it.

Slowly, I typed up my address, wondering if this was a sensible option. I was risking a lot here. Not just for me, but for my sister as well; even for Amelié and Louis, who would be confused and furious at his sudden arrival. This was selfish, but didn't I deserve to be? I had given up everything: my life, my hopes, my dreams, to be the person they wanted me to be. To stay here. To obey my brother's wishes. Just once, I wanted to do something I wanted.

I wondered about the logic of what I was doing. This could break all our hearts all over again. This could ruin everything we had worked so hard for.

But unless we tried, we would never know. Would we?

I just had to believe him when he said everything was going to be ok. I had to believe him when he said he wouldn't let us down again. And I wanted to. I did. I just wasn't sure if it was worth the risk of another broken heart.

I wasn't sure how many more scars my heart could take.

~*~

Someone knocked on the door and I brushed away the tears quickly, looking in the mirror to make sure it wasn't obvious I had been crying.

"Enter." I said, my voice soft and clear.

Louis and Max entered, Max looking a bit bewildered.

Louis gave me a calculating look.

"You ok?" He asked.

"Yeah." I lied.

He scrutinised me for a minute before deciding to let it go.

"Emma, I need to tell you and Max something." He said, gently, pulling my chair out from my desk and taking a seat.

Max sat next to me and we watched him. I realised we were both in the same position, cross-legged with our heads tilted slightly to the left.

"Lincoln's left the Children's Home." He said.

We blinked in unison.

"So where is he?" Max asked.

"They don't know. Apparently he and another child left one morning and didn't come back. They have the police looking for them."

Lincoln, what have you done?

"Have either of you heard from him?"

Max shook her head and I copied her, not ready to give up our private talks. Once Louis knew about them, he would demand to look through the messages and hand them over to the police. They might track down his location and then I'll never get to see him.

You still might never get to see him if he shows up and Louis calls the Home. I brushed the thought away.

He looked at both of us in turn.

"If he gets in touch, it is very important you let me know." He said. "The Home is looking for him and they're very worried."

We nodded and I pretended to seem worried. And I was worried.

Worried that he might show up and be snatched away as soon as he got back. Worried Louis would make them take him away again before I got a chance to say hello. Worried it might be the last time I ever see him or speak to him again.

I watched Louis. His eyebrows were furrowed and he watched me, carefully. I wondered if he could read my mind and tried to keep my expression concerned.

"Do you think he could be trying to find us?" Max asked.

"Probably. Emily said he's been asking about you."

"Why didn't he call?"

"I don't know, Mon Cherié." He said. "I think he wanted to do things on his own terms."

He didn't take his gaze off me. And I wondered if he knew about the messages and was waiting for me to confess.

Please don't send him away. I pleaded, silently.

We had spent so long trying to get back together, if he sent him away, my world just might crumble into nothingness.

Despite everything I had promised myself, his messages were giving me hope. I didn't want it to be snatched away before I even got a chance to say goodbye.

Louis would understand. When he showed up and explained everything, he would understand why we had done this.

I looked at my sister, expecting to see joy that he was looking for us. But her mouth was pulled into a frown and she nibbled her lip, anxiously.

It'll be ok, Max. He's coming. We're going to be ok.

Slowly, it begun to dawn on me that maybe I had made a mistake. Maybe I should have just left things the way they were.

Please be worth it, Lincoln. Otherwise, I've wasted the last three years pining for a person who doesn't exist.