Lonely Hearts

Chapter sixteen: Emma

One of those things that separates your life into before and after. It leads to a fork in the road.

I mulled over Louis's words and tried to work out what happened to set my life on the path I was on now. Was it after Mummy died? After we were put in the Home? After we left Lincoln for the first, second, thirtieth time?

"Emma?" My sister poked her head around the door.

"Hey." I said, smiling as Max sat on the bed next to me.

"Can we go to the park today?" She asked. "I want to talk to you."

"Sure what about?"

"Seeing Lincoln." She replied so fast I almost didn't understand.

"What?" I asked, startled.

"You said we could talk to him the other day and we didn't." She said. "I want to see him. Maybe we can plan a surprise visit."

She sounded so hopeful that my heart broke a little.

"I don't think so, Maxie. I think he's a bit busy." I said, gently.

"Doing what?" She asked, her smile disappearing.

"Well, he's probably sitting exams at the minute. And I'm sure he is having a lot of fun at the Home." Or wherever he was.

Max was quiet for a minute, considering this.

"If it's so fun at the home," she muttered. "Why does he never let us stay there?"

I stared into space, thinking about all the times Lincoln had sent us away and told us it was for the best. All the long phone calls and discussions with carers that we were never a part of. All those times he made the decision for us to leave without asking us what we wanted.

The Home is just like any other home. And we're part of a family, just like everyone else.

So why did he send us away so easily? As if we were serving time for a crime we didn't commit?

"I don't know." I replied softly. "Maybe he wants us to have a normal childhood."

"There's no such thing as a normal childhood." Max said, suddenly sounding so much older than ten.

"You're right." I agreed. "There is no such thing as normal. But a childhood with him in it would have been familiar."

~*~

Max was quieter than usual as we walked to the park and I wondered what she was thinking about.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

She nodded and I stopped.

"What's the matter, Maxie?"

"I miss home." She said, her bottom lip trembling.

Please don't cry, Max.

"We can go back if you want. We can go to the park another day."

"Not that place." Max said, with a frown. "I miss home. With Lincoln."

"But Lincoln's in the Home." I tried to reason with her.

"He's still where home is." She said as if I were stupid. "I want to see him."

"He's busy."

"No one is too busy for family. He taught us that. I want to see him."

She stamped her foot and I could see she was building up for a tantrum. She was too old for these tantrums now. She knew this.

"Max, no. We've tried ringing him and it didn't work. Let's go to the park and have some fun. Just the two of us." I attempted to reason with her, squashing a lid on my own emotions.

"No." She yelled. "I want to see Lincoln."

"Max, you are far too old to be having a tantrum. Calm down and we can go to the park."

"No." She screamed and I closed my eyes, feeling the anger bubble under the surface, I squashed it down and counted to ten, remembering that she was only little. Reminding myself that she had dealt with a lot over the past ten years. Reminding myself that she was still only a child.

"Max, stop." I told her as calmly as possible. "Take a deep breath."

"I want my brother." She cried.

"I know you do." I said, softly. "I want him too."

"I hate you."

"I'm sorry."

"You took me away from him." She screamed.

"I know."

"Take me back."

"I can't." I said. "Let's go to the park, it will be fun."

She sulked and I took her hand, pulling her along towards the park despite her struggles, causing all the passersby to look at the pair of us, and probably judging me. I didn't have enough energy left to care.

We arrived outside of the gates and I waited with Max as she calmed down. Slowly, she began to compose herself and headed towards the swings as if she hadn't just told me she hated me ten minutes ago.

I watched as she skipped off, happy as can be, and kicked her feet in the air as she swung back and forth.

Sometimes she acted so much older and wiser than ten. And then we had times like this.

I sat in the swing next to her and watched the world go by as I swung back and forth, allowing the peace to sink into my bones.

I wished Lincoln was here to make everything alright again.

~*~

Max dragged her feet back home and complained that she was tired.

"Tough." I said. "I can't drive yet, so just keep walking."

She sulked and I wondered what had gotten into her. Slowly, I realized that the phone call had gotten her hopes up too. She missed Lincoln just as much as I did. She had wanted that call just as much as I had. She had been let down too.

I watched her limp along and took her hand, squeezing gently to remind her that I was still here. That I would always be here.

But why should she believe me? When everyone she has ever trusted left her one by one?

Little by little our faith and trust in people broke down. With every person who gave up, with every bully in every school, with all the friends we made and lost, our trust broke further until we realized that the only person we could rely on was each other.

I would never let her down. I would do my best to make sure I never let her down. I wished I could say I wouldn't let anyone else let her down either.

When everyone else leaves and lies and pretends, it's only family you can trust.

The only thing that mattered, in the end, was family. Us. Me and my sister, against the world.

Lincoln should have been there with us. He should have held our hands through it.

But just like all the adults, he let us down instead.

Don't trust adults, Emma. They'll only let you down.

Hadn't I already seen the truth of that time and time again?

Hadn't I already said that adults were nothing but trouble?

Yes, I'd said it.

But I don't think I truly believed it until now.