You Clicked Your Heels And Wished For Me (Ryden)

All The Smiles That Are Ever Gonna Haunt Me

May 24, 2015

The clock ticked quietly, each tick representing another second of my life going by. Another second until my first concert back with Panic!

I hope they don't boo me... or worse, leave. I really hope they don't leave.

"Three minutes!" Our security guard, Zack, yelled from the hall. I leaned back on my couch and buried my fave in my hands, trying to collect my thoughts. There was a quiet knock on the door, signaling that it was time to go on.

Here we go.

I opened the door and gathered in the hall with the rest of the band. We all stood in a circle and high fived each other before going on stage for the first time all together in six years.

I slung my guitar strap over my shoulder and confidently followed the rest of the band onto the stage. The crowd roared with applause and screams. I saw quite a few people in the audience hysterically crying.

"YOU SAVED MY LIFE!!" I heard someone yell.

"You saved mine too," I whispered under my breath. I took my place on stage right and waited for my cue to start playing.

"1-2-1-2-3-4" Spencer counted down and we started playing the opening song, Camisado.

A wave of memories hit me. Sitting in my room writing this song about my dad.

Now is not the time to remember him Ryan! Control yourself, it's okay. It wasn't your fault.

I felt like my heart stopped for a moment when my breath got caught in my throat and I felt like my whole body was burning up. My vision started to blur and my head felt like it was being squeezed. My hands went weak and I couldn't continue playing.

"Ryan?" I heard Brendon's panicked voice over the dead mic. My knees buckled and I hit the floor hard. Everything went black.

.........................................................................................

I awoke to see a doctor standing over me. He sighed in relief and propped my head up on a pillow.

"You had a severe panic attack and fainted up there. No major injuries, just a few bruises on your knees from falling. We'll let you go home as soon we get some papers filled out ," the doctor quickly explained. I scanned the room, noticing the band and Zack to be the only people besides the doctor, in there.

"Thank you," I said, my voice shaky and weak. The doctor left the room to sign some papers while I stayed in the bed with the band surrounding me.

"Oh Ryan I was so worried!" Brendon crouched next to the bed and gave me a huge hug.

Of course you had to go and worry him. Good job.

"Sorry," I mumbled. My head hurt so much that it was painful to talk.

Maybe it's a good thing you don't talk. Nobody wants to hear you anyway.

"It's not your fault, don't worry. I love you," Brendon gave me a light kiss on my forehead. I nodded and rested my head back on the pillow, my thoughts turning to dreams in a matter of seconds.

................................................................................

"George! George!" The voice of my father reaches out to me. I wake up in my bed back in Las Vegas and everything feels right. I look down and see my Spiderman pajamas that I wore when I was in elementary school.

I hop out of bed to go see why my dad is calling me but the calling stops once I reach my bedroom door. I open the door and I'm greeted by a policeman.

"Your father is dead. He's been dead this whole time. Don't come when he calls!" And the policeman disappears.

Dead?

"Ryan!" A different voice calls.

Spencer!

I run towards him, my best friend. He hugs me and tells me to look behind the curtain in the living room. So, I do. Behind the curtain there's a little boy, maybe a year younger than me, with dark brown hair and eyes.

"Ryan wake up. It's me Brendon!" He says with an oddly adult sounding voice.

Huh?

"WAKE UP!" He screams with tears flowing from his eyes. "YOU'RE MAKING ME WORRIED!"

My eyes close and I collapse to the ground.

....................................................................................

"Ryan wake up!" The voice continues as my eyes pry open. Brendon was leaned over the bed, frantically telling me to wake up.

"Ryan! I was so afraid! You fell asleep so quickly and-" Brendon's voice faded away. I'd learned to block out people's voices since my parents used to fight when I was younger.

There you go again! Always worrying people! And why are you blocking him out? Too afraid to face the truth? He's your boyfriend, don't you love him? Well? What happened Ryan? Why isn't it the same as it was before?

BEFORE he died
BEFORE you toured
BEFORE you grew up
BEFORE you got signed
BEFORE EVERYTHING CHANGED

"Stop!" I whispered meekly. Brendon backed away in confusion.

"I really just want to go home," I barely choked out. Brendon looked at Spencer and sighed.

"Okay."

...................................................................................

I threw myself into bed as soon as I got home. I couldn't bear to be in that hospital bed any more. My mind was feeling a bit cluttered to I decided to write. I'd been doing that as long as I could remember, just writing whenever I felt stressed or disoriented.

Your place
You used to call home
White walls, squeaky shoes
Crying, screaming
Now I'm here
You came and left
I resorted to this
Sitting in the bed
Wide awake
And afraid

I dropped my pencil and slammed my notebook shut.

I'm so uncreative. A middle schooler could have written that! What happened?

"Stupid stupid stupid," I mumbled angrily to myself. I noticed the clock said it was nearly 1 am so I decided to try and get some sleep.

Goodnight