You Clicked Your Heels And Wished For Me (Ryden)

Don't let me be gone.

August 1, 2015

(I based this chapter on Goner by TØP so you should listen to that whilst reading this. Also, TW// Blood, sad stuff, death)

It's back. I was so happy but I've finally realized how much everything is changing. I'm engaged. I am an adult. I don't want to die. But it's inevitable. Eternity in heaven. What am I going to do? Every day that goes by is just counting down to the day I die. Sure, my life is great! In society's standards, that is. My mind is messed up. I can't get anything right. But everything around me is fine. It's like I'm stuck in an endless loop.

Don't let me be gone.

"I'm so scared," I gripped my hair in my hands. My breath was short and ragged like I'd just been exercising.

"Ryan, sweetie what's wrong?" Brendon put his arm around my shoulders.

"I'm getting so old. I'm going to die. I don't want to die," I choked up. Brendon rested his head on my shoulder and comforted me.

"I know it's hard. You're healthy, you'll live a long time!"

"But that just means more suffering. I want to kill myself but I don't want to die," I could tell I was making no sense to him.

Brendon looked thoughtfully into the distance for a minute until he seemed to remember something. "I remember feeling that way, back in 2006 on the Nothing Rhymes With Circus Tour. That was a hard time."

"It'll go away sweetie, I know it will," he gingerly kissed my cheek. I nestled into him and closed my eyes.

"Why is life so hard on me? People would kill to have my life! If only they knew..." I whispered. I didn't have enough energy to speak loudly.

"I love you darling, and I will do everything I can to make you happy."

......................................................................................

Crash.

Blood.

Flashing lights.

Police.

This is how my dad went.

Why not me?

"Brendon!" I screamed, tears pouring down my face. His lifeless body was sprawled onto the street. I sobbed as I was carried away on a stretcher into an ambulance. My eyes fluttered close over my teary eyes.

The next thing I saw was a white tiled ceiling and a nurse's face.

"He's awake!" She spoke with a relieved tone. I felt a warm hand in mine and I recognized it as not being Brendon. It was Spencer.

"Spence?" I croaked out. He looked down at me and I was scared at how sad he looked.

"I'm so glad you're alive," he spoke gratefully. My mind immediately went to a dark place.

Brendon?? Is he alive?? Please let him live. I don't want to be alone.

"Where is Brendon?" I said frantically.

"His room is right next door. They won't let us in his room," Spencer glared at the nurse, "and they won't tell us how he's doing."

"His mother and sister are in there now. We can only allow family members to visit right after the accident!" The nurse spoke defensively.

"We're engaged!" I cried out. She shot me a dirty look.

"Wait what?!?!?" Spencer looked surprised.