You Clicked Your Heels And Wished For Me (Ryden)

There's A Time And A Place To Die But This Ain't It

July 1, 2015

Honestly, this whole story has a trigger warning please don't read if you're easily triggered thanks. This story will have a lot of sadness, I'm sorry.

Dear diary,

Today is bad. Just plain bad. I don't know what to do. I've been crying nonstop for the past two days. I love Brendon so much but I was stupid and ruined everything. Why can't I go back in time? I've always believed that you can travel back in time after you die. Lately I've wanted to die. A lot. But that won't end anything besides my misery. I don't want my friends and family to be sad. I just wish I was never born.

Love,
Ryan

I closed my journal and shoved it into my desk drawer. The doctor gave me new medicine but it still wasn't working. I didn't know what to do. I felt oddly calm and serene, though nowhere close to happy.

I took a deep breath and got out of my chair, slowly making my way towards the kitchen. The drawers looked menacing, as I knew exactly what was inside. The key to everything I wanted.

One more thing...

I hesitantly grabbed my phone and rang Brendon.

"Hello?" Brendon answered, a hint of anger in his voice.

"Brendon, I love you so much. Please tell Spencer, Jon, Hayley, Matilda, and my mother that too. I'm just afraid I can't handle it anymore. Goodbye Brendon."

"Ryan??" Brendon called frantically.

"I love you."

"NO RYAN!" Brendon cried through the phone.

"I'm sorry Brendon. I'm sorry for punching Spencer. I don't want to be here anymore."

"Ryan Ross, I love you. I think about you every second of every day. You are my world. I didn't mean anything I said. Please, you mean so much to me. You are the best friend and best boyfriend I could ever imagine. I was just angry at the time, I love you more than anything. Please stay here!!"

"I can't. I'm sorry."

I quickly hung up before I burst into tears.

Everything is just so difficult

I decided to take a short walk before making my decision. Fresh air would clear my mind and help me decide what I was going to do. I slipped on a black hoodie and my tennis shoes, grabbed my keys, and walked out the door.

As I strolled down the sunny California boulevard I heard a familiar song coming from a park. I just remembered that Paramore was playing a free concert in the park that afternoon.

I can't do this, I need to go home.

I panicked and almost turned back but I decided to keep walking towards the park. I stopped in front of a bench about a block away from the park. I could hear the music but I didn't want to go into the crowd so I just sat on the bench and listened.

"There's a time and a place to die but this ain't it!" I heard Hayley sing before bursting into the chorus. My heart clenched as I felt like she was singing to me.

No. This is my time to die. I have to.

"Starting over, we'll head back in!"

That's true. I should. No! Wait, what?

I shook my head and continued listening.

"There's a time and a place to die... and this ain't it, this ain't it!" She sang with such and emotion I almost started crying.

"If there's a future we want it- NOW OW OW OW OW OW OW!"

I want to see my future, I really do. But I'm afraid. Why is everything so confusing?

I blinked back tears and started to make my decision.

Yes... this is what I want. I want to die.

"I have to die... it's my only choice!" I thought out loud. Just then I noticed a teenaged girl stop right in her tracks on the sidewalk in front of me. She had short blonde hair and was wearing a dark purple hoodie. Her eyes were lined with black eyeliner and she appeared to have been crying.

She immediately rushed over to the bench I was sitting on and sat next to me.

"Oh no you don't! Listen, I have absolutely no idea what you're going through. I don't know your name, age, or anything about your life. But guess what? I know that you were born for a reason. I know you have done something in your life that has made you proud to be you. And that one moment, if only one, should be your reason for living. I mean take me for example, my sister has cancer and it's been really hard on our whole family lately. But I know that I should keep holding on. For my sister, my parents, and myself! So listen, no matter your situation, stay alive."

I stared at the girl in awe and immediately enveloped her in a hug. She was startled at first but then loosened up.

"Thank you so much. What is your name?" I asked after letting go of her.

"You're welcome! My name is Anne. And yours?" She looked confused at my change in mood.

"I'm Ryan. Honestly, thank you so much. I think I should get going, my boyfriend is probably worried sick!"

Anne nodded and wished me good luck. I thanked her again and hopped up from the bench, running as fast as I could toward my house. When I got there I noticed Brendon frantically knocking on the door and sobbing uncontrollably. I ran up behind him and pulled him into a huge hug.

He turned around and started crying even harder when he saw me. I just buried my head into his hair and hugged him tighter. He nervously grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me like it was the last thing he would ever do.

"Ryan- p-p- please don't go. I love you so much," he sobbed into my hoodie.

"I won't. I promise."

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