You Clicked Your Heels And Wished For Me (Ryden)

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

June 27, 2015

TRIGGER WARNING!! Lots of sad stuff (suicide, SH, etc.)

"Shut up!" I screamed, throwing myself onto the couch

"Not until you tell me why you punched Spencer in the f*cking face!" Brendon angrily gestured toward Spencer who was holding his face and crying hysterically. Jon was standing beside Spencer and trying to comfort him.

"I don't know!! Get away from me I can't breathe when you're f*cking screaming at me!" I yelled. Brendon was staring at me like I was an idiot. I didn't know why I punched him, it just happened.

"You punched your best friend on purpose and probably broke his nose! How do you expect us to leave you alone?!?!" Jon shouted at me.

"I'm done with you Ryan! I can't deal with this sh*t anymore! We're over!" Brendon screamed, storming out of the room, followed by a crying Spencer and an enraged Jon.

...................................................................................

*flashback*

"Yeah his father passed away. He was stupid anyway, didn't treat anyone right. It's kind of a relief that he died," I heard Spencer talking through the wall.

What?!?!? A relief? That ruined my whole life!! I have been diagnosed with depression TWICE since his death!! He surely wasn't stupid, he just had a problem!

"Excuse you?!?" I stormed through the door. Spencer dropped his phone and stared at me with a confused look.

"What?" He backed away from me.

"Don't you DARE talk about my father like that you little piece of sh*t," I growled, slowly advancing on him.

"Oh no I-" Spencer nervously tried to calm me, but the rest of the event was a blur. My fist swung out, his body fell to the floor, Brendon and Jon ran in.

What have I done? I'm a worthless piece of crap. I deserve to die.

.......................................................................................

The sun had gone down long ago and I was still sitting in my living room on the couch. Just sitting, nothing else. Just sitting and staring.

Why did I do it?

Tears sprung into my eyes but I quickly wiped them away. This repeated a few times before I just gave in and burst into tears. My chest heaved and I shook as the tears poured.

Do it.

No!

Do it!

No!!

DO IT

I jumped up from the couch, dizzily walking towards my bathroom. My vision was a blur and my head felt like it was going to explode. The itch on my arms got so bad I couldn't control it. The itch for something sharp.

I grabbed my razor blade and quickly sliced it across my right wrist, watching the cut prick with blood. I did it twice more before feeling sick to my stomach.

What have I done?

"No no no, not after all these years. I'm a failure," I looked through my tear filled eyes at my pale arm, striped with red. I quickly ran it under the sink and bandaged it, not even making it to my bedroom before bursting into tears again.

This time it was much more violent. I harshly sputtered and forcefully ran into the wall, not being able to see through the curtain of tears. I felt a quick shortness of breath and my vision went black.

.................................................................................

I awoke in the same position, curled up on the floor in my hallway. My face was covered with dried tears and my arm was aching badly. The sun was just rising and I groaned from lack of sleep. I had only been passed out for about three hours it seemed.

I slowly stood up and made my way into the kitchen, where I poured myself a bowl of cheerios. As I stared at them I felt like I was going to puke. The disgusting grain donuts floating in a pool of cow secretion. Gross. I pushed the bowl away and rested my head in my hands. I had a pounding headache from running into the wall and the bright lights of my kitchen weren't helping.

I've lost my two best friends, my boyfriend, and possibly my band. Again. I don't have anyone left besides Hayley, my mom, and Matilda.

I sighed and picked up my phone from the counter, dialing Hayley's number.

"Ryan?" She answered.

"Yeah. Hi."

"Why did you do it?"

...

Why did I?

"It was a misunderstanding. I just need to talk."

"Okay."

"I'm really scared. My antidepressants haven't been working and I don't know what to do!"

"Go to the doctor Ryan!"

"I want to but I'm afraid they'll examine me for... uh..." I started to get very shaky and nervous.

"Ryan?? You... but..no!" Hayley burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, it was last night and-"

"I'm sorry for not being there for you Ryan. I should have known when Brendon broke up with you! Can I come over?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

................................................................................

"Ryan we're taking you to the doctor immediately!" Heatley persisted. I groaned and tried to hold back the tears forming in my eyes.

"Fine. But don't tell Brendon," I said. Hayley sighed and hesitantly agreed.

"Promise."