Hope and Dream

18.

Katie sat on her bed, looking out at the beautiful landscape surrounding the compound. The laptop was open next to her, but she couldn't make herself work. She couldn't even bring herself to watch one of her shows, or favorite movies. There was too much on her mind.

Mainly a certain Super Soldier with a metal arm that suddenly avoided her like the plague.

Frost started forming on the window and she clenched her eyes shut.
"Not now..." She whispered, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them.
"I'm not doing that." Glacier said. "You're letting me in again..."

Katie let out a sigh and buried her forehead against her knees.

She heard a faint knock come her door and she couldn't help but give an exasperated groan. The door to her room was left open in case anyone needed or wanted to come speak with her...she wanted to make sure she was available to the entire team while staying at the compound. She was still a Doctor, after all.

She looked up but rolled her eyes when she saw Bucky leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. She shook her head and went back to the frosted window, trying to keep her mind from seeing images of that night.
"You're session's not until tomorrow." Katie said.
"I'm not here for a session." Bucky said. "I'm here to talk."
Katie gave a scoff as she climbed off her bed, shut her laptop, and walked over to her desk.
"Now you want to talk?!" Katie asked.
"Doll..." Bucky started.
"Don't call me that!" She yelled, slamming her laptop so hard on the desk she thought she cracked it.

Her head whipped up as her glare bore into Bucky's eyes. Bucky's eyes glanced all around the room, before finally landing on her.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright." Bucky said, barely above a whisper, but loud enough for her to hear the sincerity.

Frost started appearing on more windows as she shook her head.
"No, I'm not alright." Katie said, willing the tears not to fall. "Sara is in a coma because of me. Everyone I know is at risk because of ME. And the one person who I at least thought would listen..."
Katie wrapped her arms around herself as the frost on the windows started building and growing towards the very top.

"I won't come out, no matter what you say." Glacier said. "You need to have this conversation..."

"And I'm not talking about Glacier..." Katie whispered.

Bucky walked in the room to stand in front of her but made sure to keep some distance. All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and hold her, but he wasn't sure if he had broken that trust, that bond that had started forming.

"I'm sorry." Bucky said. "I thought..."

Bucky took a deep breath and swallowed hard as he shook his head. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her and drew her in, hugging her as tight as he could. Katie was stiff at first, then wrapped her arms around his neck, breathing him in.
"I'm sorry." Bucky said, again. "I..."
Without releasing her from his arms, Bucky pulled back, so he was looking into her eyes.
"Look...my past..." Bucky started, unsure how to continue.
"I've read about your past..." Katie started.
"I'm not good enough for you." Bucky blurted out without even thinking.

Katie's grip on his neck started to become loose, but his grip around waist tightened.

"Katie...I've done horrible things." Bucky said. "I remember them all. What Hydra did to me...what I did as the Winter Soldier...that will always live with me. The nightmares, the pain, the memories..."
"You didn't have a choice..." Katie pleaded.
"I still did them." Bucky said. "I've had this same conversation with Steve, Sam...everyone. I don't deserve..."
Katie cupped his cheek in her hand, and he leaned into her touch.
"Is that why you pushed me away?" Katie asked. "You don't think you deserve to be happy?"

Bucky took a deep breath, clenched his eyes shut, and leaned his forehead against hers.
"After that night...I was so..." He couldn't even explain how happy he was. "Then the nightmares started again, only...it was you that I was hurting. You that I was scaring and..."
He opened his eyes and they almost bore into her soul.
"I can't hurt you." Bucky said. "I can't take that risk. I refuse to even think about putting you at risk."

He dropped his arms from her waist and took a step back, making her stumble as he pulled away from her arms.

Katie couldn't help the tears start forming, falling down her cheeks.
"So, because of that you push me away?" She asked. "Don't I get a say?!"
Bucky let his head fall to his chest as she took a step towards him.
"I know for a fact that those words are gone." She said, her voice starting to rise.

"I had a little, CALM in Wakanda..." Bucky had once said.

"I know for a fact that you have been working incredibly hard to build a life for yourself to get away from that image." Katie stated. "AND I know for a fact that you are a good and decent man! You haven't hurt me once since we've met!"
"Except for barreling into you at the hospital..." He whispered.
Katie couldn't help as a smirk formed on her face.
"You remember..." She said, placing her hand back on his face to force him to look at her.
Her eyes darted wildly between his as she stepped closer to him, almost flush against his body.

She felt so warm, a welcome comfort.

"I don't believe you'd ever hurt me, James." Katie said, almost a whisper, her lips ghosting over his.
Bucky placed his metal hand over hers and stepped back. He dropped her hand and shook his head.
"I can't take that risk." James said.
With a swift turn on his heel, he abruptly left her room.

Katie was left standing there, stunned. The frost on her window disappeared and all she could do was rapidly blink her eyes in confusion.
"What the fuck just happened?" Katie asked.
She shook her head and picked up her phone, dialing the only people she wanted to talk to.

**********
Bucky rushed back to the training room and, without even taping up his hands, started throwing hard punches at the bag. He wouldn't let up and his pace was relentless. He gave a scream as the bag went flying towards the wall, but this time going through it.

"Fuck..." Bucky whispered, almost out of breath.

He replayed the entire conversation in his head. He knew he could have handled it better, but she was better off.

He refused to lose her...but he would keep her at arm's length. It was better this way...no matter how miserable he felt...