Xingyunranett stories and such

Consequences of bottling up

tw : mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of eating disorder, mentions of self harm

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Keep your chin up, be respectful, don't show any negative emotions, be perfect. But what's "perfect"? Someone "perfect" would always be labeled as spoilt or someone everyone would want to distance themselves from. Someone with no flaws, is that even human anymore? Someone with only positive emotions. Don't cry, boys can't cry. The "strong" can't cry. Doing so will only let others see how weak you are or how sensitive you are. Of course, it was never the same as happy tears.

Don't do this or don't do that. Xingqiu was very much tired. Tired of having to put up a facade all the time. Having the mask on for too long often led to sleepless nights where he let all his bottled up emotions overflow out of the bottle. It also led to other things like coping mechanisms that weren't the best. People comment if you eat too much yet they also do when you don't. It was always frustrating about how they'd contradict themselves. If you're bad at something, it would end up in shouting and bad remarks but if you excelled, there were people who'd then envy you and get jealous. And if you're in the middle? What's that? You'll just get told to do better. Because nothing seems to ever be enough for anyone even if you put in your all.

Of course, Xingqiu has only ever lived life as a rich kid, he got many things he liked, especially books. He wouldn't exactly want it any other way. However, it seemed like he couldn't really be himself unless it was behind closed walls. Away from the public eye. If not, he'd get told that he was "tarnishing the guild's reputation", sometimes just by being himself. He guessed overall, he could call himself happy. He wasn't depressed or anything. Despite those times he'd cry himself to sleep, skip meals or purposely throw up. Or when he'd litter his body with burns and scars. He had a nice family, some friends like Xiangling and Xinyan which he got the chance of meeting. He had wonderful boyfriends. What more could he ask for?

Always be grateful was something he'd always hear. He had no reason to be sad in the first place. No reason to be doing what he does to himself. Then why does it happen anyway? All he wanted was mostly justice for everyone, no bullies or anything of the sorts. He wanted to write and read to his heart's content. He wanted to spend days on end, just cuddling with his boyfriends and supporting his fellow friends. He had very little interest in the business in general.

Even then. Most nights he'd lie in his bed and stare at the ceiling blankly. He couldn't cry because it was not normal to. He was not allowed to. Even if no one was watching, he couldn't. He'd never stoop so low. Could he just die? He thought about it at times but he didn't want to. He'd tell himself over and over again that he just wanted to leave this world but did he really? He was just sick of the terrible feelings he felt. He didn't want to die at all.

He could always be himself around some people like his partners, sometimes his friends. After all, they don't judge him, do they? They have always been accepting and allowed him to take off his mask even just for a little while. But a habit's a habit, isn't it? It's hard to break out of the cycle once you've started. He's still held back on the negative emotions with them. He's never once mentioned his unhealthy habits to them. He's never shown them the ugly marks left on his skin, not even to the people he cherishes the most. During meals, he'd make excuses to eat little or not at all. Sometimes rushing to the bathroom after a meal. Surely they won't leave him just for it and he knows that. But he still feels like they will anyway.

He feels terrible. He feels like a liar. Sure he has lied to Chongyun a couple times, pranking him and stuff but this felt different. They often end up in failure on Chongyun's side but the cryo user still seems grateful that Xingqiu "helps" him. As boyfriends, they agreed to not keep anything from each other-they still sort of did but they usually shared it sooner or later. This however, has been going on for a very long time, way before Xingqiu had even met Razor and Bennett and even before he got close to Chongyun.

Maybe he should reveal everything? Yeah. But how? He had thought of it before but he'd never take action. Sometimes he'd back out just before doing so. Calling for the others' attention but he just couldn't do it. Maybe he could tell Chongyun first. Hopefully anyway. They were all supposed to go camping at Wolvendom soon so perhaps he could do it then...or would that ruin the atmosphere?

He groaned and rolled to his side, pulling the blanket over his head. Maybe he'll procrastinate a little more...