What if?

Beauty and the Beast Part 2

*In town*
A local pub was loud and partying, and inside everyone was laughing or drinking. All except their favorite patron, Gabriella. She slumped farther into her chair and sighed. It had been a few months since she had seen Beau, and now she felt she couldn't win his hand in marriage. Her friend, LeFou, walked up to her with beer in his hands.
Gabriella:
Who does he think he is?
That boy has tangled with the wrong woman!
LeFou:
Darn right.
Gaston:
No one says "no" to Gabriella!
Dismissed! Rejected!
Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.
LeFou:
More beer?
Gaston:
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
LeFou:
Who, you? Never! Gabriella, you've got to pull yourself together.
Lefou:
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gabriella
Looking so down in the dumps
Ev'ry girl here'd love to be you, Gabriella
Even when taking your lumps
There's no woman in town as admired as you
You're ev'ryone's favorite girl
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why
No one's slick as Gabriella
No one's quick as Gabriella
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gabriella's
For there's no woman in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tia, Daniella or Sandy
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on
Lefou and Chorus:
No one's been like Gabriella
A king pin like Gabriella
LeFou:
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gabriella
Gabriella:
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
Lefou and Chorus:
My what a girl, that Gabriella!
Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"
LeFou:
Gabriella is the best
And the rest is all drips
Chorus:
No one fights like Gabriella
Douses lights like Gabriella
LeFou:
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gabriella!
Bimbettes:
For there's no one as burly and brawny
Gabriella:
As you see I've got biceps to spare
LeFou:
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
Gabriella :
That's right!
And ev'ry last inch of me's not covered with hair
Chorus:
No one hits like Gabriella
Matches wits like Gabriella
LeFou:
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gabriella
Gabriella:
I'm espcially good at expectorating!
Ptoooie!
Chorus:
Ten points for Gabriella!
Gabriella:
When I was a laddie I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
Chorus:
Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Gabriella!
No one shoots like Gabriella
Makes those beauts like Gabriella
LeFou:
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gabriella
Gabriella:
I use antlers in all of my decorating!
Chorus:
My what a girl,
Gabriella!
The doors barged open to reveal Marie, shivering and with tears rolling down her face. "Help!" She ran up to the bar and reached for the bartender, "Please. It's Beau! He's been kidnapped!" Gabriella lifted her head and approached Marie, "Beau? Kidnapped?" She thought about it and went back to her chair to ponder, the other patrons approached Marie, "Hmm... What did this kidnapped look like?"
"It was a great big monster. A literal monster!" The other stared at her for a moment then burst out laughing.
"Was it big like an oak?"
"Bigger!"
"Did it have gnarly teeth waiting to chomp you to shreds?"
"Yes!" The others smirked at each other and replied with, "We'll help you, Marie. We'll help you out."
"You will? Oh thank you!" Then, the doors opened and Marie was thrown out, sliding against the ice. She lifted her head to reveal her nose bleeding. She looked into the sky, crying out, "Please! Someone help him!"

Gabriella was still pondering when LeFou returned with more beer.
Gabriella: Crazy old Marie, hmmm?
Crazy old Marie...
LeFou, I'm afraid I've been thinking
Lefou:
A dangerous pastime
Gabriella:
I know.
But that whacky old coot is Beau's mother
And her sanity's only "so-so"
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I looked at that loony, old woman
See, I've promised myself I'd be married to Beau
And right now I'm evolving a plan
Gabriella:
If I . . . (whisper)
LeFou:
Yes?
Gabriella:
Then we . . . (whisper)
LeFou:
No! Would he . . .
Gabriella:
(whisper) Guess!
LeFou:
Now I get it!
Both:
Let's go!
No one plots like Gabriella
Gabriella:
Takes cheap shots like Gabriella
LeFou:
Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gabriella
Gabriella:
Yes, I'm endlessly, wildly resourceful
LeFou:
As down to the depths you descend
Gabriella:
I won't even be mildly remorseful
Both:
Just as long as I (you) get what I (you) want in the end
Gabriella:
Who has brains like Gabriella?
LeFou:
Entertains like Gabriella?
Both:
Who can make up these endless refrains like Gabriella?
And her marriage we soon will be celebrating
My what a girl
Gabriella!