Funny Little Love

I'm Not Good With Words

21

ALEX

Lizzie looks at me surprised. 

"You wanna sit with him? Why?" Lizzie whispers to me.

"He owes me an explanation." I reply.

It is partly true. I did hang up on him that night because I was too mad to listen to his voice or have any direct contact with him but 36 hours of self-wrecking later, I do feel like he owes me an explanation about why he made me feel that way.

"Yeah he definitely does. What are you waiting for?" Lizzie whispers.

Wow, she went from what the hell are you thinking to let's get him in a second.

I expected Lizzie to sit at Shawn's table with me but she and Cain started walking towards another table at the other corner of the cafeteria. 

I can't do this without her. 

"You're coming with me right? I can't talk to him without encouragement." I say desperately. 

"I'll pretend you didn't just say that. You don't need encouragement for talking. You've known each other since your childhoods and also, Shawn and I had promised each other never to interfere in each other's private lives. I can speak out my opinions and give him advice regarding what to do but not directly enter and take sides. I would be doing exactly that if I go sit at that table." Lizzie explained.

Ok, Lizzie Hoffmann has simultaneously shut me up and given me a perfect dose of confidence in a very effective manner.

"OK. Wow. Thanks, I guess." I refrain from calling her mommy.

Lizzie and Cain go sit at the table at the corner of the cafeteria with their coffees and fries in hand.

I take a deep breath.

Here we go. 

I tighten my grip on the cardboard box in which Linda at the cafeteria counter gave me the BBQ Pizza and proceed towards Shawn's table.

Shawn looks up at me.

He didn't expect me to sit with him.

I almost stop midway and look back at Lizzie's table.

She gives me a thumbs up and an encouraging smile.

I pull back the chair on reaching the table and sit down.

It's extremely awkward for me at first and I know it is for him too. So we don't immediately start talking.

I flip open the cover of my pizza box and start eating.

"You shouldn't eat two pizzas a day. Bad for your health." Shawn mumbles.

He knows about my pizza addiction.

"That's what you start with?" I ask. 

After fucking me physically almost everyday for the past half year and fucking with me mentally, and then saying that none of it ever mattered making me feel like a whore, used by the star of my high school for his sexual pleasure and then just as he started giving me hopes that maybe I wasn't just a loser who he used for sex for a fucking half year, he drops a bomb on my heart by kissing another girl in front of me, he asks me not to eat two pizzas a day.

He stays silent. 

"Fuck this." I push back my chair to get up.

"Wait." Shawn says in a louder voice. 

Lizzie and Cain are staring at the table with clear concern in their eyes from their table in my direct line of sight.

"I'm not good with words." he says in a lower voice.