Funny Little Love

I Fucked Up

50

SHAWN

"I'm sorry." I say loudly, staring blankly at the door in front of me hoping for a reply.

I am standing at the front entrance to Alex's house.

I don't know if he can hear me from the other side of that door.

I should not have said that.

It usually takes a bit of time for me to realize what I have done or said to offend another person, after I have already offended them but this time, it was different.

I realized almost instantly what made Alex upset and what my words meant to him.

It's not just anyone I offended here.

Its Alex.

Usually, I don't care who I offend as long as I really mean what I say or do what I want to do but when it's Alex, I care so much.

I care about him.

I care about how he feels, how I make him feel, if I make him happy or if I make him laugh.

What I said in the car was beyond offensive.

It was personally insulting and dehumanizing and I am messed up for saying that.

The words themselves are not the worst part of what I said.

The scariest and the worst part is that I definitely meant those words in the exact same offensive way as Alex interpreted them judging by his expressions.

OMG I messed up.

What's wrong with me?

Why am I like this?

It's messed up that of all people, I am the one who said those nasty things.

What was I thinking?

"I'm so sorry. Just tell me if you can hear me." I say loudly, almost shouting desperately at this point.

No answer.

My head hangs down on my shoulders out of disappointment as my eyes shift their focus to the paved ground instead of the door to Alex's house.

I feel disappointed in myself and most of all, I feel a lot of guilt.

There's no point in standing here in front of his door when he won't even answer me.

I feel myself walk towards my own house and as I reach the entrance to my house, my blank focus shifts from the ground in front of me to a pair of retro Air Jordans with a red and white color combination.

I take a look at the owner of the shoes who is wearing them.

It's Lizzie.

She's standing in front of me, with the door to our house open behind her.

She's still wearing the same clothes she was wearing at school.

She is looking at me with concern in her eyes.

"What?" I asked her with an uninterested tone.

"I heard you yelling in front of Alex's house. I never knew you could sound that desperate. What happened?" Lizzie asks.

"I fucked up." I answer.

Before Lizzie can ask me any more questions, I walk through the open door into the house and then I continue walking towards my room as fast as I can.

I stop as I reach the door to my room beside the staircase leading upstairs to Lizzie's room.

I let out a sigh of frustration and disappointment.